17 October 2023

We made back home from the wedding. That was a whirlwind adventure. PS did fantastic with the car rides, rather than drive 12 hours straight we broke it up over two days. I have a lot of thought from the wedding that I’m having to parse through still. Mostly I’m now in position to start revving my engine. I need to get back to writing everyday as well as sharing it online. The impression I got while visiting family is that people like me and want to be around me. I was telling my wife the disconnect I feel between how I see myself and how others see me. I’ve had a lot of negative thoughts for a long time that kept me thinking I was not living up to the standard. What the standard is isn’t important because a sick mind can alway imagine a bar higher that can’t be reached. Then I felt like a failure even if I’ve already gone further than most. The position I find myself in now is trying to narrow the gap between my view and other’s. When I was depressed I needed lots of positive affirmation in the form of ideas like, “I deserve happiness.” To me that was a trip from negative to zero, now I’ll attempt to go positive, but not only that, I’ll attempt to be as positive as I can be. This trip will involve a lot of hyperbolic statements like, “I am the greatest!” I watched Ali v. Liston 1 last night for a little motivation. Ali was possibly my first hero, I think I learned of him before Achilles. I hadn’t watched much about Ali since I was younger and it wasn’t surprising to learn he was doing a pro wrestler style of hyping a fight, but it was something I had never considered as a kid. I didn’t think he was acting and in some way he wasn’t, I guess that’s what I’m talking about doing, going out and proving your greatness.