Recently my wife and I had a tif because I ask for her opinions about what I’m doing here. I love my wife and I’m happy I can trust her to be honest with me, but I was hurt by her saying my morning pages seem muted since making them public. I want to be humble and take criticism, so maybe there is some truth in there that I didn’t want to see. That brings me to these writings, I’ll throw caution to the wind and be loud, this is a thesis on depression. How hard it is and how much I hate myself. I don’t know why I hate myself, but this feeling controls my life. I swear for years I’ve felt asleep and I’m starting to wake up. I want to do things in life again, hell I want to live again. That alone I thought was unattainable. As I sit here and fall apart again, know that we can always put ourselves back together and honestly it’s easier when you have the help of other people. I want to be a great man and I never would have thought that means being apart of a community rather than one person standing above the rest.
I really am doing quite well to even be able to think about how I felt then, but it’s like The Hero with A Thousand Faces has to enter into the underworld to return home with a magical gift and growth. I feel like I’m growing.
Veteran’s day is Monday apparently. I’ll probably get pretty trashed because that means I’ll probably be thinking a lot about my one Army friend that killed himself. I recently heard from another old friend that he’s getting kicked out of the Army. He’d been in around 10 years. I hope he doesn’t kill himself. I want to help him out as much as I can and that means I have to be stronger with helping myself out. Well I’m outside and my fingers are getting cold so I guess I’m done typing. Thanks for sticking with me and hey if you read these regularly, feel free to say hi. I’m Chris, here’s my internet hand shake and smile.