Another Day, Another Click

I feel like trash today, I don’t know if I’ll even finish this, but I was thinking about my day and the one thing I’d at least like to have done is this. I realized yesterday my energy levels were low, so I dumped some stuff from my schedule. Let me explain it the way that I’m imagining it. My life is me flying an airplane. Yesterday I felt like I was beginning to lose altitude, so I dumped some cargo. In this scenario, cargo is responsibilities or just things normal people do. I lighten the load and put more fuel in the tank thinking I’ll be good, but it was a stormy night and my precautions weren’t enough. I think I laid in bed for 12 hours and felt like I didn’t get an hour’s worth of sleep. I can sometimes get sleep paralysis. It’s when you mind wakes up, but your body is still asleep. For whatever reason I’m really scared of getting it right now and whenever I start to drift off I subconsciously start moving to keep my body from getting too heavy. That’s what sleep paralysis feels like for me. My body parts are too heavy to move, but I can still see, so I’m imprisoned in my body. I sort of feel like that with depression.

Now I can see the plane spiralling, but I’m already tired. Pushing the rest of the weight off the plane won’t help at this point and I feel like I don’t have the strength to put more fuel in. This is my life, on top of the world one minute, hopelessly lost the next. I’m going through the list of things that I can do, just activities I normally do and none of them seem interesting. My mind tells me I just want to fade away, but I know I can’t let it do that so maybe I’ll find some crackers to eat until I can get enough strength to go proper food shopping for some more exciting foods. I don’t want to do that though. It’s crazy how there’s a stabbing in my head and stomach and it seems easier to just put up with the pain then to get up and fix it. Wish I wasn’t this way and when I’m mentally stable I try to build a safety net to catch myself in these times. I am safe and if I wasn’t I’d go to the hospital, I’ve been that low before. I know what that feels like and when I’m not safe alone. Just gotta figure out how to get out of the hole I’m in today. I do feel a little better after writing this.

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