789

Everyday I have to ask myself, “What am I doing?” I guess that’s why or at least one reason I got suicidal ideations. That question is impossible to answer in the grand scheme, but if I don’t have an appointment that day then the answer is something like, “Staying alive.” Doing basic functions like eating and emptying waste until enough time has passed that I can go back to sleep and not have to worry about the day anymore. How many days like that until a person goes crazy. I can feel I’m angered by this because I never have an answer, my best answers are self imposed and that means at anytime those pillars can be removed. If the foundation can be removed, it isn’t holding anything up. When I get tired or angry, I’ll ask what I’m doing and my faux beliefs won’t be there, so I become a mouse in a wheel. I’m just saying, “I don’t know, what am I doing, I don’t know” Best thing I’ve found is pot because it stops that sort of thinking. Thanks to growing up with DARE I can’t think of that as medicine without a ton of shame and guilt that I’m throwing my life away. Next time I see my therapist I guess I’ll try another one of their meds, but the problem is really one of existence and acceptance of who we are. I feel like I’m doing something wrong, so I can’t live like this, but the only solutions people offer are mouse wheels. I want to be stronger and I’m already plenty strong, but I can’t be invincible. My mind say, “then kill me now”, if there’s nothing I can do to stop it then the wait makes it worse. Aye there’s the rub. I’ll never know that there’s nothing I can do to stop it unless I try everything.