It’s around lunch time now, I don’t know how I forgot to write this earlier. I ran yesterday and maybe dieted a little low on calories, so I’m feeling pretty low on energy today. I also had a bad night’s sleep, it was the sort of sleep I get when I don’t eat enough. I wonder how dramatic I am, it wasn’t a bad night, but I didn’t sleep through the night so by the purpose of sleep it would be bad. I don’t want to be complaining because the sleep felt really good and I’ve been un-depressingly happy lately. When I woke up in the middle of the night, the feeling is more like excited to consciously be under the covers in a cool, dark room. The down side is the dread of waking up just before your alarm goes off.
In the Army, there has to be people on guard at all times. At night it’s usually one hour per person because there’s only 8-16 guys to cover a shift anyway. The worst guard shifts were probably starting two hours after you could go to sleep or wake up for guard three hours before everyone wakes up. After I became a sergeant I was the one who made the guard lists. If there were eight guys that I out-ranked, I wouldn’t even need to be on guard. Often I would still put myself on guard, but I would take the hour before wake up. I usually showed up to work an hour early to get ready for the day anyway. If first formation was at 7:00 AM, I still had work that needed to be submitted before 6:30 AM everyday. It’s so wild to think about those days, and I’m honestly thankful to wake up early to make Mary’s breakfast because it gives me something to do. I need tasks, even if they’re as mundane as, “check these boxes and return the paper”.
Good morning sunshine, today is Monday and that marks a new opportunity to be better. I ate my healthy breakfast already and after this will go for a run. I think the run will be the hardest thing I have to do today. I’m considering fixing my binoculars, they got out of focus when I went to the beach recently. It’s so hard to do anything more than wait for the house. I try to keep busy with other activities, but nothing is as exciting as that. I’m told there’s a bunch of craziness going on in the world, but it’s just another war. My stance for awhile has been to oppose all wars, even if that means you’re killed by someone that wants to start a war. A quote from the the movie Troy, “War is old men talking and young men dying.” If the Trojan war did take place, it was probably over 3,000 years ago. I can feel it though, the conflicts that are taking place now will settle all our differences and from here on out people will only be peaceful with each other. People are quick to say, “Don’t cover shooting because it celebritizes the shooter.” Then of course they go on to watch videos of protests, riots, and police brutality. There’s no way the footage being aired on screens across the globe today could be setting us up for 10 more years of monkey see, monkey do, right? If you don’t watch the news when they show violence, then they’ll stop showing it; it’s good for ratings. Then we have footage of people fighting on 24/7 stations, watching angry people doesn’t calm you down. I’m nearing completion of my studying that’s been going on for 30 years and includes more than a million test subjects and the data is looking like watching scary things makes people scared.
I’m writing this from the green house, there was a big storm that ended about an hour ago and now I’m under attack of mosquitos. I’ve wondered if the food forest has been good for bugs in general, I try to provide better stuff to eat than me. We also got word that the inspection of the new house has been completed. Things are moving along and it’s so crazy, I love it. I’m very grateful for everything I have in life and hopefully act in a way that is deserving of it. I can’t wait to start moving, this will be the first time in my life I’ll be excited to move. Hopefully it ends up being the last time I move; wouldn’t that be lovely. A little place of Earth to call my own. I watched a video today of a guy digging out his basement. When he redid the floor, he put a time capsule in the concrete. I think that’s a good idea to consider because you have no idea who will ever see the contents of the capsule. If it’s somewhere on my land I suspect I’ll be long dead before anyone has a chance to know the time capsule exists. I just realized that this is a time capsule. My whole life documented by myself one day at a time. That gives me the urge to throw up, maybe because it make me feel very human. These days are finite. I don’t know how I got so interested in plants. It was something that was always in me even at a young age, but I never saw this happening. I don’t even know how I got so many plants, they kept accumulating and I see each one as a challenge and when the plant dies, I lose. I don’t want to lose, not to a stupid plant.
I’ve got one shot to do this, fingers don’t fail me now. Today has been pretty cool, the sunflower that’s growing in my front yard opened for the first time. It’s got a beautiful color that I wasn’t expecting, I don’t know if it will last. I get so excited watching plants grow, it’s more like a class in biology to me though. I study the phases of flowers and stems, what new leafs look like. For some reason I can’t get enough of this stuff, maybe because there’s an endless amount to be learned and it’s all bedrock knowledge. By that I mean, it’s all verifiable by reaching my hands out and touching it, that’s how you can tell something is true. Well in philosophy it’s not enough, but that’s why plants are better for my head than philosophy. The path to nihilism gobbles me up quickly in philosophy. Studying plants leads to me eating healthier, getting sun, and wanting to take photos. Still if there’s something to be learned out there, I want to know it. I can’t wait for the new house, I can hear sirens now and our back yard neighbors shouting at each other, soon it will be silent. I joke about never seeing another person again and there’s a scary amount of truth in that sentence because deliveries are so stream lined and every company has to offer shipping, usually for free, if they’re going to compete with amazon. I’m sure there’s plenty of reasons to call them an evil company, but it’s an example of why competition in good. I remember paying $15 for shipping and handling on every delivery. That was back when I had to borrow my parent’s credit card to buy something online. Thank goodness those days are over and I can’t wait until all delivery fees are gone. I want all “fees” gone, as in itemizations. Tell me the real cost and I’ll tell you if I’ll pay it.
I’m invoking the muses on this one, so watch out. My first thought is to take the writing in the direction of artistically describing something beautiful, similar to poetry, but to be honest I know that’s no my strength. There’s a person who likes my blog posts occasionally with a name like, “needlessly overthinking”, and that is my strength. I’m sorry if I incorrectly remembered that name, remembering names is also a weakness of mine. I could be given a 50 character long string to remember and it wouldn’t be too difficult, but introduce me to someone at a party and quiz me on their name at the end of the night, I will fail every time. I can’t even remember how many times I’ve had to write someone off completely because I’m not going to ask for their name again. A nice part of getting older is learning what your strengths are and accepting you can’t be good at everything. I was telling Mary yesterday that eight time Mr. Olympia, Ronnie Coleman, is a failed accountant. Some of my fondest memories are sitting in the university computer lab at night, crunching away numbers for my accounting homework. I got to where I could do all my calculations on the number pad of a key board without looking away from the screen. I would get some serious speed sorting assets and debts, it’s actually no different than me doing super fast Eminem raps. I mean it feels like I’m using the same parts of my brain. Although there was an added feeling of my fingers, which is similar to typing when you don’t need to look at the keyboard. I was better with the number pad than I was with a keyboard because I never bothered to learn the entire keyboard until I starting coding.
Sorry I didn’t write yesterday, I started exercising again and I know from experience that my energy has to be put into making sure I don’t crash. There was even a moment yesterday well after I had finished exercising and that’s the thing, your body has a reaction outside of the time you spend exercising. The moment was one of circling the drain, my body temperature was rising, my mind was recklessly active and I had energy. I was able recognize that this is what my wife and I call in my dog, “fake energy”. If I had used that energy, I probably would have had a migraine and spent the last several hours of the day laying in bed with my eyes closed. Instead I’ve learned from my mistakes, or at least yesterday I demonstrated that, I went into my room and took 15 minutes to lay down for a reset. Seinfeld is a practitioner of some sort of intermediate meditation, I think it’s essentially laying down for 10-15 minutes a couple times a day to relax and reset. From the moment I wake up until I fall asleep, my brain is revving. Add in learning plumbing, electrical, philosophy, and exercise, and my brain demands more. “This second isn’t filled” it says, so it finds a new problem to solve, but the brain is a machine and it needs to rest. Sure sleep is necessary, but you know you’re headed for trouble if the only time you rest is to sleep. I wish I could do those little bits of meditation more regularly, but I get caught up in the illusion of time; I must make every second count. Even thinking about it now, I’m not going to plan time to relax because I have a repulsive reaction to it. What to do with a Chris brain?
Writing this is exploring myself and I’ve been avoiding exploring myself today. I always say I’m tired as an excuse, but I’m never too tired to do anything, so I wait. All I have to do is wait one month, I’ve waited years before. Who would have thought one day I’d be more excited to buy a house than I am for Christmas. I’m also happy with how all the house stuff turned out because I did not have the same excitement for it as I do for this one. The last house looked out over a city and this one faces a died up pond, this more my speed. That’s me though, wanting to throw myself against a wall. I’m trying to figure out how I got here. I had a much different vision of where I was going. I always have a different idea of where I’m going because by the time I get somewhere new, I can see more I’d like to explore. I don’t even have to move because time changes my surroundings.
If I thought I was good enough, I wouldn’t be able to push myself. That’s what I tell myself, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I can read because I feel like reading. Will I do everything that’s good for me though? Well the only bad thing right now is that I’m not very physically active and over eat, but I’m waiting to be physically active. Having more to do in a day will also keep me from mindless eating. What I’m getting at is everything is going to be alright. I’m good, I’m gonna build a house with personalized art all over the place. It’s not going to be amateur stuff either, I’ll turn my drive for perfection onto laying down tile. I was walking through the store today looking at camping gear and seeing the tree branch saws got me so excited.
Skating in at the end of the wire today. I’ve felt really tired today so I’ve spent most of the day watching this 24 hour livestream a guy did on twitch of him playing video games. I don’t know why resting makes me feel so bad. Probably because I still need to take care of myself when I rest and I treat it more like a free for all. Hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow. The end of the month is quickly approaching, so that’s very exciting and after we close it will be a big relief. Then begins the process of moving, so crazy. Right now I’m probably in an anxious spot because I know there’s going to be a lot of work that needs to be done and I’m willing to do it, but I can’t get to work right now. That causes me to get into some sort of loop that tires me out and then I begin to worry that if I’m tired now, then I won’t be able to do the work in the future. That causes another spiral to think that my body is falling apart. Another thing I can’t understand is why I think my body is falling apart when I’m stronger than I’ve ever been in a lot of exercises. Maybe it’s because I’ll go a day without doing anything and that makes me think I can’t do anything. I don’t like thinking things will be better in the future because they’re good now. Life is amazing right now and I’m truly blessed for every minute I’m in control of. I want to read more, there’s a lot I want to learn. For most of my life I’m going to feel like I’m chasing a moving train and I need to catch up with my education.
This is the story of how one man became a king. He sought his own kingdom, one that refused boundaries drawn by other men. Everything created by man will turn to dust, but we’re all gifted with a spirit. This character we portray and don’t want to act in opposition to. What would happen if I acted out of character? Usually I feel bad and get a little sick in my stomach then tell myself why I thought it was a good decision in the past. I’ll learn from a decision like that to tell me about myself. That gut reaction is something that can’t be faked. That’s why I’m so confused about this gut feeling I have about protests. Everyone is so angry and I can’t figure out why, we live in one of the greatest times to ever be alive for any human. Well if you’re in America at least, but still a lot of the world is living with a “western” standard. The streets of Baghdad were no different than Philadelphia; and that’s not a compliment to Baghdad. Sorry I wanted to talk about the bare necessities people need are met, but I got to thinking about Baghdad. I only drove through there once even though we were about 15 miles South of the city. That experience feels like something out of Blade Runner. Somehow it felt like the sun was blotted out, large neon lights and every sense is pounding. Kids started throwing rocks at us, Spier would throw Jolly Ranchers as if they were rocks. I understand what it feels like to be in a tense situation, I also am willing to extend a peaceful hand knowing it may get hurt. Sometimes it does get hurt and I get a sick feeling from thinking about it, but I had french toast delivered to my house for breakfast today. No king ever had that.