Obviously we want good things, but the immediate pleasures lead to me hating myself. I know there’s some stone that has to be turned so I can not have that as my default reaction, but the cycle will still stand. Is it because I can’t really see into the future like my mind things it can. Perhaps the body knows only the present and it has final say. That could be used to build an argument for habits. Keep doing something until the body keeps doing it without any intervention of the mind. I know the mind is part of the conversation because before I will allow it, I have to give in to pleasure. I will recognize that I’m going to do something contrary to my future desires for a pleasure now. Why do I allow that? I could fight back and say no. I think it would work, in time. Immediately the body will revolt and I will be in pain. I think I need to face that pain. I want to get onto the other side of it and I’ve been on the edge for so long. I have this opportunity to lay in bed taking ibuprofens under heated blankets, try to relieve the pain. I can make recovery my main focus. That’s how I need to look at my life, focus on recovery. That’s after drawing of course, but drawing is in a different sphere as the rest of my life right now. I have to face that pain everyday, it’s the only way it will go away. What will my plan be? After I have drawn, and walked the dog, I should nap. Not a forced nap, but the door has to be open to fall asleep, my mind needs to turn off.