Today was my first day back at group therapy, it’s oddly satisfying to see those people again and sad that some are gone. It’s sold as a three module course that each consist of meeting once a week for 8 weeks. I think there’s a bond between people because you’re talking about a part of you that people don’t normally talk about. No one is complaining or putting their problems on anyone else, but in a normal life setting I feel like we would at least be afraid that’s how it comes off. This module is about interpersonal communication. They divide it into three parts where the themes relate to respecting yourself, respecting other, and trying get what you want. I don’t have too much trouble with the latter two, but I know I don’t respect myself.
I had a moment yesterday while drawing, I was listening to a conversation on youtube and the topic of trying to be good even if you’re in a pathetic position came up. It really got to me, I feel that’s where I’m at and what I’m doing. The initial reaction I want to have is I’m too brilliant to do anything beneath me, but that thinking really spun me out of control. Now I look around and think, “smartest man on the cinder.” I had to start from a low position if I ever wanted to do anything of meaning again in my life, but I’ve been gaining some steam after only a couple month. There’s nothing more important to me right now, so odds are good I can keep it going. Anyway I guess it was a realization that I wasn’t alone in that experience that brought me to tears. The reason I’m telling this story is that while crying my inner voice was comforting me and telling me how good I’ve been doing. That’s huge for me because as I said I have a problem with self respect, that inner voice is usually the nastiest person I’ve never met. Things are improving though.