I’ve got my live drawing class today, it starts at 6pm. I hate having obligations later in the day because it feels like a weight I have to drag around all day. I keep going, “Ok, this many more hours till I have to leave for that.” A place I would like to get to is that I’m so into the tasks I’m doing that day that I don’t think about what’s happening later. Right now it’s more like I do less in a day because I have this idea that I have to save my energy up for tonight. Maybe it’s because the live drawing sessions are still pretty new to me. I’ve only gone to three so far. I’m historically very bad at giving myself enough time to get used to a situation. When I think about that it does calm me down.
It’s funny, my head will get into a loop like thinking about having something to do tonight and that looping starts to build anxiety, but I don’t usually say to myself, “This is a new activity, it’s ok to feel out of place there, you have to give yourself time to get comfortable.” It’s a sentence that if I was talking to another person they’d probably come to right away, but it’s taken me years to figure out. It’s great that I ever got here at all, not that I’ll always be able to intervene like that, but I have to take time to congratulate myself when I’m acting mentally stable and be proud of my healthy brain. This is also why I have to keep writing my morning pages, maybe I wouldn’t of come to that conclusion without this time of introspection. It’s all about knowing myself and the more I do this, the better I’ll know me. There’s also some add benefit of writing everyday, I swear one day these morning pages are gonna write my book