5 September 2025

What a week, two nights ago the baby woke up every two hours and after a night like that I can’t function during the day. My whole life I’ve had people naysaying everything that goes on like, “two hours is plenty of sleep” or whatever stupid argument they want to make for the sole purpose of being disagreeable. Now that voice is always in my head saying what I do will never be good enough. That is something I plan to save my kids from, I congratulate them on baby steps and encourage them to keep going. I’m not writing these things to get some sort of award or to say woe is me, it’s just my life and I’m thinking about it. I know what hard work is and can evaluate something as hard without it being the hardest thing humanity has ever seen. That’s how people are, unless it’s the most extreme then they don’t want to hear it. On the podcast I went over the story of the guy with a purple heart saying he has no room to complain because people lost limbs and I bet the people that lost limbs say they can’t complaint because people lost their lives. The attitude is a race to the bottom and the only winners are dead, I hate the way of thinking because it’s not progressing towards anything, the person wants to be a speed bump in the conversation. Waking up every two hours is interrupted sleep, we don’t need a PhD to be able to say that. When I don’t get enough sleep I get cranky and as naturally aggressive person will break everything around me if the world around wants chooses my low point to pick a fight.

3 September 2025

Yesterday was rough, hopefully we’ve turned the corner now. With the little princess being sick, she didn’t want to nap, the first attempt was a struggle and the second nap didn’t happen. Each time I try to put her down means 30 plus minutes of holding and rocking the baby. When things are going good she’ll finish a bottle and be falling asleep in under 10 minutes. All that extra work caused a couple of the muscles on my baby holding side to tighten up. Last night I slept on the heating pad to loosen things up. The range of motion in my neck has severally decreased since having kids, maybe some day I will get enough rest and stretching to bring it back. I was really at the end of my rope with the baby though. Usually I can calm a fussy baby down, but when they’re sick, especially an ear infection, they’re crying all the time. Being left alone with a baby that won’t stop crying is soul crushing. No one is coming to help, just have to wait out the storm, while still making sure she’s fed and clean. Often if the baby is sick she will throw up when placed on her back and that means a lot of cleaning, have to replace the sleep sack she’s in, pajamas, and bed sheets. There’s also the dilemma of whether or not to do this work in the dark, we are trying to go to sleep after all. There was some point I went to the other side of the house to scream. Today is already looking like a better day.

2 September 2025

The little princess has been sick, she initially got sick from her big sister starting daycare and apparently it’s almost guaranteed that a baby will get an ear infection after being sick because they lay on their backs all the time. She’s not sleeping well right now and yesterday morning I needed to get milk since we were out. I took the little princess with me to Walmart, I was in and out as fast as could be only getting milk. After checking out, I go to leave and some cart is blocking traffic, so I went around to exit. Crossing through the door the sensor beeps and the person calls me back. All I had in my hands were milk and a baby, I hand the employee my receipt that only has milk on it, $4.19 I remember because prices have been inflating over recent years. All the backed up traffic was now behind me. The employee asked me to step back inside, I hadn’t slept well and the baby is fussy, so I was not having it and told them that I’m going to leave. I don’t know why there are even people at the doors checking receipts when there’s no reason to stop for them, even when it’s their own equipment malfunctioning there’s nothing the employee can do except waste my time. Now when I need to make a milk run in the future, I know that’s not the fastest place to go.

28 August 2025

In my 20’s any sort of ailment was healed after a couple days. It’s probably a week since I first got sick, the worst was the first couple days and I’ve been dealing with mucus production since then. Taking some Sudafed yesterday helped dry up the mucus and hours after taking the medicine I did some push ups, had some extra energy to burn. Sudafed gives energy, it can even cause trouble sleeping, so I’m aware that’s fake energy and to still go slow. Many times in the past I’ve taken medicine that gives energy then jump back into normal life and self improvement, except with it being fake energy I end up prolonging the sickness because I don’t rest. All this fake energy talk reminds me that being sick is fake tired, I don’t really feel down and out, it’s a temporary condition. My natural response is to fight it, do more activities to overcome the weakness, that never works. Life is a constant ebb and flow, best to have the proper action for corresponding feelings. Being able to do some exercise reminds me that it’s coming, to be patient, now is still rest time. When I was young and exercising at my highest level, I didn’t practice rest, it’s somewhat possible then plus nonstop movement is common in the infantry. Gains could have been greater with more rest though, I learned Arnold would take a week off fairly often and a couple months off from lighting every year. Lesson learned, it’s still hard to put into practice, the world doesn’t stop moving when I sleep.

27 August 2025

What a morning, first call was 5 AM with the little princess waking up for some milk. Then starting sometime after 6 she was up again and something kept banging against my bedroom window, by 6:30 the elder princess was screaming in bed and the morning had begun. There was a small issue when I dropped of the elder princess at daycare where usually a teacher takes the child out of the car. Well this morning there was only one teacher and she was having a conversation with the car in front of me, I trust my child to walk like 6 feet to the door, which she did. Nothing was said, but it didn’t seem like the teacher liked that and I’m reminded off all the trouble I had with school. The queen and I were talking about 18 and 19 year olds doing adult activities now seems wild and yet I joined the Army when I was 17. I really hated school, still do apparently. I don’t want my actions to effect their situation, but I can articulate why I did something and why it wasn’t wrong. Schools don’t like free thinkers. In the military they at least have muscle to support rules. Do the wrong thing in combat then you die, break the rules in garrison and you can go to jail. Don’t do what a teacher says and the worst they can do is kick you out, I didn’t want to be there anyway. Can’t force that on my kids though, best to say nothing.

26 August 2025

Every new desire brings along unforeseen responsibilities. Yesterday I was waxing my armor and was thinking how meditative the activity is, swirling a towel in circles, making sure each area gets covered. There’s a lot of oddly satisfying videos of similar jobs, like pressure washing is a good example of watching a job gradually get done; or mowing the lawn. How did I get to waxing metal though, I have this steel armor and I wish it was stainless steel now that I know the different, perhaps that would be magnitudes more expensive. In poor conditions steel rusts and I happened to place mine in the worst conditions, my recording studio is a garage. Garages get hot and humid, perfect to form rust, so I had to solve that problem. My first attempts were WD40 and a brush, that was slightly effective, but it wasn’t until I got a metal wire brush that I could really take rust off. The armor was temporarily clean and would be back growing a day or two later. To prevent rust a protective coating needs to added, I got some mineral oil as it was technically food safe and it seemed like any oil would work. Then I needed to get the metal our of the garage, it took way longer to move than it should have, so now it’s in a better place. Oil coats the metal and the oil can wear a coat too, in this case a layer of fabric to keep air from moving on top. Cotton would work, but wool is usually better, it’s even antimicrobial for baby bottoms. The armor is brushed, oiled, and covered in wool, then I need moth balls to keep the wool from being eaten; a cedar chest would work too. And it turns out oil is a short term coating, for longer storage wax is preferred, which brings me to sitting in my closet waxing armor, smelling like moth balls. All because armor looks cool. Another new addition to my stage is a table with a knight/horse.

25 August 2025

With the princess starting daycare, the whole family quickly got sick and it’s been a struggle to make it through the day even without extracurriculars. All day the kids want to be held, and so do the adults. Being sick I consider a low point and it makes me question my life not only because the unnecessary has to get cut, I also ask why am I doing certain things. I’ve been building this absurd recording studio for a podcast that doesn’t currently exist, so why and why am I even doing a podcast. Side note, I won’t call it a podcast in the future since it’s the same as any show or audio/visual file and the word podcast now has negative connotations. The point of my show and this blog is not for the now, but to have experienced it for the future. People think they think a lot, but until it’s put on paper or said out loud it doesn’t exist. Being able to channel thoughts into existence is a skill that gets better with practice. Writing a show is different form of expression, the blog is to keep ideas flowing and the show is to refine the excess into excellence. Doing hard things makes me better. Everyday it would be nice to continuously pick the easy path, but there’s no free lunches, sedentary life is atrophy. Keep moving, you’re still alive, aren’t you?

19 August 2025

Yesterday was a success, the little princess was very patient hanging out in the garage as I exercised on the bike. As we’re feeling rested, more improvement will happen which also requires more rest, especially in the beginning days of change. Laundry even got done yesterday, I don’t know why it feels like a big accomplishment, but it is. There were several bags of laundry after all, maintenance is never ending. Dishes need to be washed and trash emptied or soon will be drowning in filth. This connects to the myth of genius, Tesla wasn’t a super human achieving things like no other, no man is an island. I see experiments he did and think where did he get the parts. We can say he built a lot, but he didn’t mine the copper for wires or melt the glass for bulbs. At some point we make the concession that they had help, but we won’t go so far to say they had help all the way and in areas they lacked skill because that would hurt the myth of genius. We cling to heroes in hopes we might be blessed with the same gifts when really the belief keeps us running in place. The reality is someone has to wash Superman’s underwear and every minute doing the mundane isn’t spent on the frontier. This isn’t to say great things never happen, only that the point of celebration is the top of a much larger pyramid.

18 August 2025

I was walking the dog and my neighbor flagged me down to give me these shrimp that were in the gulf that morning, he was deep sea fishing in South Louisiana. We prepped the shrimp and it may have been the first time I’ve shelled and deveined shrimp. My elder princess was very curious and was able to touch them while we were working, then she even took a bite of cooked shrimp, for a three year old I’m very pleased she would try a food like that. Over the weekend the princess also began learning how to use a knife, part of our bedtime routine is she wants to eat a piece of butter, so I lined up the knife and she helps push it down. We’ve had plastic knife  toys for kids to play with for awhile, since I was made aware that we should introduce kids to dangerous things instead of avoiding them until the kid is “ready”. For all ages of life there is a lesson that there will never be a perfect time, perfect is the enemy of done, so start doing and make corrections along the way. It was the same way with me and the shrimp, I don’t know what I’m doing, but there’s a big bag to experiment with. Now onto future endeavors, it’s week two of daycare and last week was good enough rest, now to start up self improvement works. After the little princess takes a nap I should be riding the bike, trying not to snack, and am reading more. The book I’m currently reading is by Wilhelm Reich, concepts like orgone are hard to explain, “the world is mind” a simplification. Since the friend I’m distancing myself from was part of my Bible study, I’ll be working to study more on my own.

15 August 2025

They call it being the bigger man, but always feels like settling. I’m supposed to forgive everyone and when they don’t even apologize, how’s that fair? It’s not and it’s not supposed to be fair, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Being able to apologize or forgive without confrontation makes us stronger. My ego sure doesn’t like it though. A child sees strength only as lifting heavy things, with age that becomes a metaphor; lift a heavy burden or responsibility. This strength doesn’t build visible muscles, but in the soul, a resilience to folding. That folding could be giving in to every passing whim or curling up in a ball to cry when the world gets too heavy. What good does it serve to “be the bigger man”? It makes the world a better place, first by example, people see it and they want to also do better. Second, through action, If I’m not crying in the corner then I am doing and this strength means more doing over a lifetime. There’s also future benefits that becoming strong today makes it possible to be stronger tomorrow and more gets done. There’s the rub, the reward for taking care of yourself is more work. I do all this king regalia and people like to say, “heavy is the crown” which is true because it bring new problems which the king is responsible for. There is a steel breastplate I have and when I came back from NOLA there was rust on it, looks like a drop of condensation formed and rolled down the belly. Now I have to maintain steel where as if I threw it out, no problem.