I just finished my daily drawing and wanted to get down some of my thoughts while they’re ruminating. I was tired of drawing today, it felt like the work was pilling up and that I’m not cut out to do this. A couple of factors I’d say go into making that feeling. First, I hadn’t drawn since Friday; I’ve been painting. That’s the big one, after that there are things like I’ve been drawing the same style from the same book, I’m sort of coming off this wall I hit last week that’s making me reassess what I’m doing, the painting class last night leaves me tired and I’m meeting the boss neighbor tomorrow. All that extra stuff is extra, I don’t need it and I might cut it out if I can’t manage doing it with drawing. I stuck with the drawing to get through my work today and I feel great, as if I could take on the world, but it’s the other stuff that brings me down. I worry that I can’t get my work down before visiting the BN or how I dropped group therapy because it starts at 1:30. I find it hard to work when I have an appointment later in the day, my mind gets stuck at 1:30 and basically only wants to count down the minutes, this is why I can’t live a normal life. I can’t have schedules because all I think about is the schedule. On the first day of my painting class a guy asked why I paint and the first thing I said was, “It feels good.” Does it always feel good? Hell no, painting is the cause of some of my lowest feelings in life, but I feel like I belong there. I don’t feel like I belong with the people or the environment of art, so I’m cutting out what I feel is unnecessary; instagram probably being on that list. If all I do everyday for the rest of my life is the art work I assign to myself and stare at squirrels, I’m happy. I don’t care what anyone else is doing, they’re all idiots anyway.