Big thing for me today was writing down my ideal schedule for a day on my white board. My hope is to work on making that my actual daily schedule through habit. I don’t know how to talk about having the ability to make my day exactly as I want it to be and still not doing it. I suppose it’s the same feeling as someone who wants to quit smoking, but doesn’t. Old habits die hard, but I’m a much different person than who I was five years ago as a result of committing to certain activities that I thought would have a wider effect on my life. Today is another step on that path of figuring out what I like and who I’d like to be. With who I want to be, there is the danger of an ill defined goal because as Forrest Gump said, “Aren’t I going to be me?” I have a fear that if I don’t set my goal, then I will relax and be nothing. I know two things for sure, I will someday be nothing and I will never relax. That’s liberating to hear myself say, I feel like it lets me off the hook for a lot of self hatred I have.
I’m very excited for this Spring. I’m building a lot of plant projects, so I hope I’m not making unreachable dreams only to be broken when it’s time to go to work. The plant stuff has become fairly easy now, I mean there isn’t much work tougher in this world than swinging a pickaxe. I’ve got a lot of new additions to my garden this year, trying some real crops, taking cutting from trees to farm future generations, and whatever else this crazy brain thinks of. Hopefully I can do it with relative internal peace.