Hey today is 1/20/2020, if only we had 20 months in a year, I’d finally get around to finishing my memoirs. I’ll tell you a little about my day, I went to the grocery store and then drove through downtown and felt ancient. There were kids everywhere, I couldn’t figure out what was happening and then I remembered today was a holiday. I also made a joke that I’m not really comfortable publicly telling, but I have to say screw it because if I don’t write this as if it’s only to myself, then there’s no point. I did some work for this artist friend Lee today and he paid me for it, the joke was I haven’t been paid for my labor in 7 year. It makes me feel bad because I’ve been thinking a lot lately about respecting myself, part of that would be accepting money for my work. I kept trying to tell him he doesn’t need to pay me, but I’m trying to rejoin society I think working is probably part of society. Actually I still don’t know if I want to join society because here is the trade off, the more one fits in to societal norms, the more of their personal originality has to be given up. I think I can join society to a larger extent because the opposite argument is that you can’t do anything if you’re wanting complete freedom. In order to make the types of paintings that I want to, I am restricted by techniques, colors, and subjects. That complete freedom crap is just a backdoor into nihilism and that’s what I’m running from. It’s like a bad relationship because nihilism keeps hurting me and I still like it and think it’s cool. I want to embrace the infinite, but I know it destroys me. Another parallel to dating a bad person is that I think I can tame it. Other people just haven’t been strong enough to stare into the infinite long enough to see its secrets. I don’t think there are secrets though, just nothingness and that’s what you become when you have too much freedom.