My Mind has become an Illusion

We went exploring in the other rooms on the train

Here we are, we finally made it to the Adam of Christmas’ Eve. Interesting that those are both biblical names as well. I’ll have to check the etymology of Eve. It relates to “Even” meaning close to the day of. That also means we could be calling December 26th Christmas Eve, you know I like to do annoying things like that, but what purpose would it serve? I’ll just have a bunch of  people telling me it isn’t Christmas Eve and I’ll have to explain why I came to this conclusion and I’m already tired of the ordeal. Yesterday my wife and I had a lovely dinner on an old train. It was a lot of fun too because the train actually drove around, I think we went through at least one tunnel. During the experience we got so excited we started looking up train car vacations that we’d like to check out someday. I want to see the Canadian Rockies and I know my parents have always wanted to go on the train trip that goes across Canada, so I think that would be a fun trip to do with the four of us. Other than that not much happened yesterday, I spent a bunch of time in VR and I feel like my body has to get used to how the system is used. Primarily that I’m standing still for hours. Since I’m flat footed, I’m going to try playing while wearing my orthopedic shoes from now on. I got to connect with one of my real life friends on VR yesterday though, it was interesting because we basically had a phone call while we were playing our own games, then we played a couple of rounds of VR paint ball together. I can hear the system calling me back now.

He sees you when you’re sleeping

We went to Christmas lights at the zoo yesterday

Good morning pages, I hope you’re enjoying your weekend. Mine is going pretty well, I woke up around 7am without an alarm and got my drawing done, so I’m happy. I’m not too sore from my workout yesterday which is surprising. Since it’s the holidays and I’m switching gyms at the end of the month, my workouts have been more free flow. I’ll just hope on whatever machine I feel like. I’m still breaking the days up into pushing upper body, pulling upper body, and lower body. Yesterday was pulling, meaning back and biceps basically. Because the free flow is more enjoyable and I don’t have numbers in my head that I normally lift, I’ve been having some more strenuous workouts. Long time followers may remember that I’ve been turning away from intense workouts to allow for my body to stay at a healthy level of energy. If the workout takes too much of a toll and I can’t move for 48 hours, that’s a bad thing. These workouts lately have pushed myself as well as had my body recovering quickly. It’s great, I feel like my energy levels are finally starting to get where I’ve dreamed them of being. I can have my workouts and creative work regularly. You cannot believe the joy this brings me.

Last night I was going through my first couple morning pages. If you’ve ever wondered why you can’t read my writing from the beginning of the year it’s because I started this activity on a word document, that evolved to a google doc so I could easily share with my wife, and now my blog. The point I’m getting to is the confidence writing these has given me this year. The first thing I wrote in that word doc was 10 times in a row saying, “I’m a brilliant and prolific painter.” It was an activity I was told to do while reading The Artist’s Way, but the emotional tone in the beginning was basically telling myself that I deserve to be happy. Everyone makes mistakes and I don’t think there are any so bad that they can’t be forgiven, and everyone deserves to be happy. I know sometimes the hardest person to convince of that is the self. Good Luck.

Happy Winter Solstice

My new reality

What are you doing to celebrate? I of course I will be disappearing into the virtual world some more to explore. Tonight we’ll be going to the zoo to see their Christmas lights. Last night we went to a nice restaurant to celebrate my wife’s sister finishing her masters degree. It made me think that I’ll have to get my sister something when she finishes her masters in the spring. Gifts man, can’t escape them. I mean you can, but it’s nice. Giving is nice and it doesn’t have to be a material good. I told my friend max he and his girlfriend should do homemade gifts because they’re probably both less material good oriented than me and they’re creative people, so I think they’d have a lot of fun with it.

That’s the thing about gifts that I do like, it’s a memory of that person. Maybe Santa and Christmas lists mess that idea up, that you’re saying I want these things. If I don’t get these things then I’ll be disappointed and Santa is the person who disappointed me. I studied French for many years and something I like is the French word for memory is souvenir. My perspective on souvenirs changed with that and it’s similar to what I’m saying with gifts. It’s not about what the item is, but what memories it brings up to the surface; it’s the thought that counts. 

Well I’ll be finishing now, I already did my drawing and just got back from the gym, so after this I’m free to partake in the holiday spirits if you know what I mean. Yesterday I got an eggnog milk shake. I did not eat it all in one sitting or even in one day thankfully, but I like eggnog. I do think eggnog goes well with whiskey, but think it’s better on its own. That’s where I’m at with most alcohol now, I’d rather drink it straight and appreciate it for what it is.

Bilateral Proportions

I’m having a really wonderful day morning pages, thank you for asking. This morning started off with me overcooking some eggs. I’m never overcooked my eggs before, but I’ve been eating them with ham and cheese lately and that adds moisture so I’ve been hoping to cook the moisture out. I was left instead eating rubber. I got it down and rode my bike to the library where I drew for almost three hours straight. I did stop once for a bathroom break. It felt really good. Of course there were times where I wanted to call it a short day, but I managed to stick with it. I get such a burst of energy when I have a good day like that. I’m really enjoying drawing. Now of course I can’t wait to get back to painting, but that’s going to be awhile and drawing just has so much to teach me about making visual art anyway, plus drawing is a lot cheaper than painting. 

One of the books I checked out from the library this week was a pastel book. I think I’ve only done one drawing in pastel. I actually just looked up and that drawing is missing from my wall. I’ll have to show you my motivation wall some time. It just has a bunch of stuff I’ve done on it. There used to be a pastel drawing of an apple, but I sent it home recently when I wrote a letter to my parents. That sounds like as good of an excuse as any to do more pastel work. In other news I got an Oculus Quest today. My friends and I have been hyping it up, calling it 2019’s Tickle Me Elmo, and the first IPhone. It’s been really surprising already and I think I’ll go back to the virtual world right now. I’ll try drawing in it.

I’m Relaxing, I Think

Thumbnail assignment from NMA

I’ve got nothing to do until 6 pm tonight when I’m going to that live model drawing session. It’s exciting to be going back for my second week in a row. I wonder if they’ll have it next week because it’s the day after Christmas. I guess the day after Christmas doesn’t mean anything, my wife is working that day, all the stores have to be open to accept Christmas gift returns. Do you think gift receipts are a bit tongue and cheek, like if you have to give it with a receipt is it better to not give them a gift at all? Perhaps the gift receipt shows that it’s not the thought that counts. I almost got my wife a shirt semi for Christmas, but they were sold out of her size. Hopefully they make more in that size because I don’t really care for gifts, I have the belief that if I want something then I’ll get it and it’s unlikely anyone is going to keep up with the constant shifting of my wants and thoughts, add on top of that the need I feel to control my desires and not want things I don’t need. Regardless I would like to give my wife stuff she might like and it is nice to have a time of year that says, “Don’t you like your loved ones having nice things?” even if that voice is coming from corporate American greed.

I wish I could read A Christmas Carol this season, I love Dickens and actually just put a half read Tale of Two Cities away in my night stand dresser. The books were taking up too much room and I don’t have the time/energy for none art related reading right now. That idea is a little worrisome to me, is that a bad decision because I will be exposing myself to less of what the world has to offer or is it a necessity if I wish to be great at one thing that I must focus on it. I don’t have to only focus on art, but the longer I can sustain intense focus the more I will improve in that time.

Spaceship Earth

I spoke to Max just now, he’s a childhood friend of mine. In my dating profile for Match.com, that’s actually where I met my wife, I put that I like to spend time with my friend Max about life, the universe, and everything. She is a big fan of Hitchhikers guide, so the reference was a hit. Basically you can say I owe my marriage to Max. We were just on the phone and he said he was going to call me back in 10 minutes, I figured this would be a good time to muse on the sort of things we were saying to each other. I always say my relationship with people is that I think people only talk about themselves, so we say things about our lives, the other person hears it through a filter of their life and says something about their life which gets interpreted as the same topic. This is the beauty of words and language in general, you can say one thing and mean another. No one can tell you what you mean and you are not obligated to explain yourself. Some take this as an opportunity to say things at random, claiming that can be language too. I suppose it does, but I don’t think humans were meant to live like that.

Things are going well for me though, I’m accomplishing what I set out to, I’m dwelling on the past too much, I’m breaking and I’m building. I’m still here writing this blog so I guess that’s something good. I don’t know if it will say something bad the day I put it down, but part of me hopes I never put it down. Now my wife just got home and she brought Christmas cookies, I hope everyone is getting into the spirit of the season. Happy Winter Solstice if I forget to say it then

Can’t Control Yourself Any Longer

Practicing with ink this weekend

I’ve got some important new reporting from the front lines. They are varying, today I’ve been drawing thick lines, thin lines, even doing some shading with lines. I actually did a lot of shading today. I’m in a part of the Bridgman book where he starts to talk about shading. I’ve really been enjoying looking at my drawings lately. There’s going to be one that I’ll post on my instagram tomorrow that is only the stomach of a male twisting, but that’s the beauty of art is that there’s beauty there. How is there beauty in some twisted lines of graphite rubbed into thinly sliced trees? That’s why I say part of my soul is put into these things. If a piece has life, that’s the creators life we’re seeing. I think it’s something everyone knows but is hard to accept that the point of studying and the repetition is only to increase the likelihood of being able to breath life into a lifeless world. It feels good when it happens and at this point I’ve built, for me, a pile of enough bad drawing to be a little numb from failing those. I think the idea of being ok with failure will be something everyone faces their whole life because as we succeed, we raise the bar on what we expect of ourselves, or at least I do. The drawing I shared here recently of a man in a suit got me annoyed because I inked in the lines over my drawing and I screwed up the eyes. I think the picture can be saved still, but it will never be the image in my head so I lose a lot of interest in finishing it. It’s funny too because I recently listened to an artist talking about eyes can make or break a piece, so he doesn’t like to wait too long to do them. This instance of failure on the eyes hurts a little more than if I fail drawings, one because it’s more permanent and two because more time had been invested in it. That’s the cost to playing the game of life though. You win some, you lose some and the more I play the more I’ll win.

Cinco Geckos in Chinos

A sketch for a piece I’m still working on

I might watch The Pursuit of Happyness later. Yeah, I’m as surprised with the spelling of that title as you are. I hope it gives some motivation to keep pushing myself through whatever may come my way. I got the idea to watch it because I was listening to a motivational highlight reel while drawing and one of the speakers was the man the movie is based on. He said some good stuff, the take away was “I drove here”. He spoke about cleaning himself up in a public bathroom while waiting for the shelter to open and asked how he got to this point. He drove himself there. There was no mistake that his actions played a role in getting to that point. It’s important to remember when we are attracting good things and bad. I myself would like to attract dedication and patience. I’ve been thinking about this drawing trip I have coming up at the end of the month. I’m going to some tiny home in some mountains an hour away for two nights. My plan is for the only activity I have available to be drawing. I will eat, sleep, and draw. I’m sure I will somehow fail miraculously, but I’m certainly going to get some drawing done and will learn a lot from the experience. I should check out more library books for that weekend. I think I can check out 110 items at one time, which is insane. I had to renew my library card today. I hope that’s not an annual thing, but I can’t really complain for the quality and the price. I might take my bike to a bike shop tomorrow because I’d like it’s brakes to improve. I have no idea what I’m doing and would like the biking experience to be a lot better so this weekend I also took off some dead weight off the bike. The rack on the back of my bike actually broke while riding home from the library in the rain. Those types of miserable events are how I know I’m doing the right thing, it’s never easy.

A Warm Bath

Here I come sneaking in at the end of the wire. It’s 9:40 pm and I’m getting ready for bed. It was a fun weekend in Helen, GA but it’s time to get back to our lives. I love my wife very much and I’m grateful that she pushed me to go out this weekend. I realize that without that I would probably become more and more recluse. If I was accomplishing my goal I would also be doing less normal life in exchange for more drawing. I got some nice inking in today and this evening. I was really worried I wasn’t going to get my drawing in while we were out of town because with pretty much every hobby or interest once my recluse schedule gets broke, my interest is lost and I don’t want to go back to it. Thankfully I got home and got back on the horse studying and drawing. I opened up the two books I got from the library to random pages, just so I could have interesting things to study at any second if I look up. 

Since tomorrow should be a pretty normal Monday, I should be going to the gym when I wake up. Hopefully it’s painless, but only time will tell. I’ll try to work with myself if I need it, I don’t think I will though. I’ve been a chip chop chap lately. My gym membership with the YMCA is going to be up at the end of the month, so I have to check out the other gyms in town and join one if I want to have any hope of staying in shape. I could always trade the weights for running, but I don’t think I’d like to do that. Things should be pretty much the same in the gym, actually a bit of a change is welcome right now to keep my interest through the winter.

Let the Fireplace Blow

Alright lets get down to brass tax, I’m in Helen GA, it’s like a German town in the middle of the mountains. It’s a very weird place, I don’t know how to describe it. I guess my best attempt is quant German town meets Jersey shore because it is pretty touristy with t-shirt printers and lots of gift shops. I’m surprised how cheap the beer is. We went into a sort of comic shop where they sold armor and weapons, that was fun to look at. I gotta get some of that stuff some day, probably just a metal helmet so I can practice the diffusing of light as it rounds armor. I also bought my third cigar while exploring the main street. That’s been a fun hobby to start exploring. We’re also staying at a golf resort right now. Neither of us play golf, but Winnie(my dog) has been loving it. The weather was rainy and cold last night so no one has been out and Winnie has been running wild like a farm dog. I know it might not be the most moral thing to let him run on the golf course, but he didn’t do more damage than a group of people walking with spikes. We’ve got a nice little bungalow on the side of a hill too, here’s a picture from the back porch. It was awful driving up here last night because it was non stop rain with hairpin turns. It was the second time we’ve gone crazy in the car and the first was driving across Texas. I like to say a good test of a relationship is going on a road trip together. Everything is good between us though, we both recognize we were only grouchy because of the drive. It was funny cause after about an hour of driving I had to switch over to my wife and than after an hour she didn’t see a stop sign so we switched again. It was a really rough drive, but now that we’ve made it we can enjoy the beauty