Gobble Goes the Turkey

My Irish moss, I got it in a 2″x2″ pot and I’ve been working to get a square big enough to use as a bath mat some day

Good morning pages and happy Thanksgiving. Look at me writing my pages before 8 am, like I should be doing. Yesterday I had some socializing to do which is pretty typical of the holidays I suppose. A friend of my wife’s from med school and her boyfriend came over to visit. What was a little strange and I didn’t think about before hand was they’re both from New England and were noticing things about being in the south like everyone speaks different. I guess I had just gotten used to hearing it, but it takes me back to when that did stand out. They were cool though, it was fun to hang out with a guy that has some similar interests, he’s a bodybuilder. There was also a similarity in personality, I don’t know what is the best way to sum it up, so I’ll say it’s a desire to be great. I actually said that my ideal little in BBBS would have a desire to be great. I’m not sure if everyone has that. On one hand I think everyone is going to want good things, that’s what makes them good. 

Maybe what is good means different things to different people though. One person may want material goods, I know that idea gets bashed on a lot but a desire is a desire and no one is worse than another, so they may want to have nice clothes and a shiny car in order to feel good about themselves. For some people all they want is to raise a family, but the desire I’m walking about is more internal. That you have to do something in order to prove your value, perhaps to the universe. I remember an old Twilight Zone episode with the actor who played Mickey in the Rocky movies. He was just found useless by a jury and he’s giving a speech where he shouts at them something like, “I exist, that is my purpose!” That’s basically it, demanding the universe recognize my right to exist.

I Suppose You’re Looking for Me?

No idea what this is or where I got it, but by the look of it I thought I could put it in some dirt and it’d survive. It worked.

I don’t know what you want from me morning pages, I’m tired and I don’t feel like writing this. How much longer can we keep this up. It’s about to be the end of November. I started writing these on the first of January this year, so soon I will have gone a whole year and I’ve probably missed less than 10 days. That will probably make this the most successful commitment I’ve ever made. That feels a little sad to me and I don’t want to go down a sad road because I know when I’m tired that’s where my mind wants to take me, but damn why am I so bad at sticking with things. It makes me think that I should have stayed in the Army because there I could follow through. If I didn’t, there were serious consequences and I know that’s been a factor in my life ever since. In the Army, something as small as your socks no being lined up would be treated like the end of the world. Outside, basically nothing matter. My attitude has been, “What happens if I do this?” Usually nothing happen. That’s why I end up thinking why bother, no matter what I do it’s just going to be another day. I guess that’s life though, I’m gonna keep waking up, somedays will be fun and exciting and for some I’ll just exist. I also feel like I can’t deal with consequences anymore, maybe it’s something I need and being lost without them for years leads me to treat everything as end of the world scenarios, but I guess that’s what I said was good about the Army. I don’t know I’m just going in circles, I need to get somewhere. I don’t know where though, so I can’t make moves. Another good thing about the Army, you’re told when and where to be. Thanks for listening, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh yeah it’ll be Thanksgiving, woo.

Penciling Pencil Lead

Well another day, another donut. It’d be nice to have donuts but c’est la vie. Drawing today is going pretty well. I’m getting some time in. It’s probably good focused time as opposed to what I usually feel is in a class room. I think with classes, there ends up being so many distractions and interruptions. It’s certainly the case with my woodworking. Right now I’m getting work in, but a class would be a big block of 3-5 hours, so since I’m not doing those numbers I feel like I’m failing. I know to go easy on myself, that I need to build up to that point. No reason doing five hours today if I burn out and then don’t draw for the next two weeks. It’s a long game, draw as much as I can whenever I can everyday. It’s coming back everyday, hoping to be a little better than the day before that I’m betting on. I don’t know if I’m right, but what else am I going to do. Maybe someday I’ll attend a school and it’ll transform me, or maybe I’ll realize they waste too much time and go back to doing it on my own. Only thing I can do right now is keep coming back to it, keep trying to get that pencil moving and keep learning. Today I actually brought a pad and pencil to the gym, occasionally when I had time between sets I would try and draw something. To me it’s not so important what I’m drawing, I mean at most I have a minute thirty between sets, so they’re nothing spectacular, but it’s the idea. Always have pencil and pad on me and when I have a chance, try putting something down. I’m trying morning pages, hopefully I’ll see you on the other side someday.

I don’t have to put up with this

Alright morning pages, I don’t know what’s been up lately but I feel like I haven’t wanted to talk to you. Maybe I’m tired and don’t feel like doing it, maybe I’m putting too much on myself and I’m beginning to fall towards depression. Whatever it is, I’m still here for another day. Today was such a weird day. It was one of those days when it feels like the world is conspiring against you. First thing, I went to the drawing table while the dog was outside doing his business, then when I hear him I get up and bang my knee into the table. A little later I’m grabbing my stuff and heading out to the gym when I bang my elbow into a door frame. Then I’ve got to scrap the ice off my car window, I get just enough scraped to see out the driver side and the ice scrapper snaps in half. Don’t worry I sat in the car and waited for it to fully defrost instead of driving with half of one window. I knew by then that I had no luck to push. Even driving to the gym I was stopped at lights that are never red, one of the roads was blocked and I had to take a detour. Then at the gym today was supposed to be chest day. I usually don’t do chest day on a Monday and never will again. The bench press is one of the most popular exercises for people without a lot of exercises in their tool box and Monday is the day when everyone who decided to change their lives for the better over the weekend starts going. 

Anyway very frustrating morning and some other annoying things happen. I just had this weirdness in the back of my neck all day. Not an ache but a nagging. To give you some news I’ll probably be leaving my current gym at the YMCA for either Gold’s or a 24/7 place, I still have to compare prices.

Infatuate the Sound

It’s coming up on 11 am Sunday morning. This has been a nice Sunday, I haven’t been so happy in a long time. Last night my wife and I hung out with another couple. The girl knows my wife from college and her husband has a B.A. in philosophy. Yesterday he said he’s read Dune four times, so you can guess my opinion on him. What makes me happy looking forward that relates to last night was talking about becoming a professional artist with new people. I didn’t call myself an artist, but said something like I decided recently to pursue becoming a professional painter. Talking about my life with some sort of certainty is what feels good. I’m terrified that this will lead to me being bored with art in three months and I don’t pick it up for years, but I can’t live my life based on those sort of fears. 

If I want something, I have to be willing to commit myself to it. That’s not to say I’m forgetting that work has to be done. More important than any other aspect of life as an artist, I need to be creating. For right now the best thing I can do is draw, but if not doing that, hopefully something artistic. Draw everyday. What I’ve at least been able to commit to for the last couple days is the first thing I do when I wake up, sometimes even before peeing is draw. The last thing I do before I close my eyes is draw. Actually last night I just reached over for my pad and starting drawing, around 9:30pm I finished what I wanted to and I like to go to sleep at 10 but promised myself the last thing I do before closing my eyes would be draw, so I had to go to sleep a little early. The point is I’m working on drawing as much as I can. I have no therapy or woodworking this week, so I’m hoping this week will be very rewards to my inner professional.

Weather Report

Good morning pages, I’m hanging out in my studio working on origami. I made a paper crane to give to my little when we meet and when I was talking to a friend he mentioned a truth I was trying to avoid. That I need to have the technique memorized in case he wants me to show him how to make one. On top of that, you have to know at least 3 things to make because a kid is going to say, “Make something else.” I told him that’s the same reason I had to learn a bunch of Eminem raps because once I learned one, I had to be ready for people to say, “Do another.” 

My wife walked in the room and I talked with her a bit, so I’ve lost that train of thought. Not much else to talk about honestly, it’s the weekend and I have to be treating the weekend as a time of nothing but rest because otherwise I will crash during the week. My goal is to be able to do focused work 5 days a week. I know it sounds weird and may be hard to understand but I want to be like a normal working person. I’ve actually got to do a bunch of things to start transitioning painting as a hobby to a profession. I don’t want to talk about that too much here because it’s just listing things I need to do. It’s exciting but there’s no rush on any of that so I need to stay relaxing since it’s the weekend and save work for the work time.

It’s raining here this morning. I love the rain, when I was a kid I used to get bundled up and put a chair on the front lawn so I could sit and watch the rain. Now I have my green house and if it’s till raining, I’m going to go hang out there. I hope you’re all doing well. Keep your chin up because all clouds must past and we’re all in this world together.

Twist Ending

Look I’m tired and don’t feel like writing this, but if I don’t do it now then I might not do it at all today. It’s about 4 pm and I just got back from woodworking class. A lot could be going on in my world, but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how things turn out. I don’t mind any change ups, my one friend just suggest moving to new york city, I never really considered it because I was so happy to leave the North, but I don’t know, I could see a lot of positives to it. It would certainly make being a professional painter easier. For a strange reason I don’t feel like thinking about my life. Nothing wrong just you know it’s what I do 24/7. I’ll think about Jacob, a fictional person. 

Jacob got fired from his job at the factory last month. He was a tester for Chinese finger traps. He kept getting caught in them as they came down he conveyor belt constantly causing an I Love Lucy scenario. Now that his fingers and days are free he drives down to the lake and drinks until he passes out. Three times this week he’s been woken up by the cops at dusk when they have to kick him out. He’ll probably get his life together, I’m sure there’s plenty of opportunities in the world for a man that is willing to stick his fingers in traps. Maybe his next job will have insurance so he can get the carpal tunnel checked out that developed from years of having his fingers squeezed on. If you want to make big money in this world you have to be willing to take on big risk, but maybe Jacob isn’t cut out for the corporate world.

As the World Turns

Squeaking in at the end of the day, I don’t know where to begin, I just have so many thoughts. I’m thinking about pursuing a career as a painter. Really not much would change about my life, but a ton would change about how I see myself. In that BBBS interview it seemed like the woman was under the impression that I was a painter. Maybe not that I am a painter, but that I would call myself a painter. I don’t know why that’s such a big deal for me. I have business cards that say “Woodworker” on them, why is it so hard to make “Painter” ones?

My wife and I started watching this show called “His Dark Materials”. It’s based on the book trilogy that is called the golden compass. In it the people have demons which are basically them being followed around by their spirit animal. A person’s demon doesn’t take a permanent shape until later in life. That is why this painter thing is such a big deal to me, it’s what I want to do, it’s what I want to be called. I know it means a lot of work still, I’d like to try to do the work, I just need someone to help me stay on the right track. 

This also relates to Jordan Peterson talking about Peter Pan. It was definitely on my mind last weekend hanging out with the guys last weekend that Peter Pan is in charge of the lost boys. Also that Peter is afraid to grow up. There are things you lose when you grow up, but things you can’t have as a child. He never gets to know true love for example. Then there’s also that I am supposed to be the “good influence” on a kid soon. There are certain things in life I want to make sure I’m doing if I were to call myself a good influence.  I think I’m ready for this stuff, I want the challenges I think they bring, I guess I’m just scared because it puts my fate in the world’s hands instead of mine.

Mid-day Dawn

This fella fell of when the wind knocked the big one over

Good morning pages, my drawing practice is coming along really well. Of course when what I’m making is pleasing to the eye that makes me feel good but beyond that it’s becoming easier to draw for longer periods of time, that fills me with confidence and motivation for the future. I have been at a point similar to this in the past and burned out. I was doing four hours of drawing a day and trying to get to eight; probably too quickly. It’s a story I’ve lived time and time again. A lesson I learned by growing trees from seed is that growth takes a lot longer than you think. I’m learning to enjoy the journey though.

In other news, yesterday was a bigger day for me than I was thinking about. I guess I knew I’d have to buckle down and focus for it, so I had my two therapy appointments and then the at-home interview for Big Brother Big Sister(BBBS). We finished our module in group therapy, so I won’t have that again until at least mid January. I also won’t have individual therapy until after Christmas. My therapist said my smile seemed easier, I agree and it felt nice to hear. I’ve also been ecstatic at how my BBBS interview went. She asked the types of questions like what my life was like growing up, who were some mentors to me, why do I want to work with kids and it was genuinely a lot of fun talking about working as a big brother. Next step should be that she will call me with a little that she’s matched me with or possibly a couple and I’ll choose one. After that I get to meet them and we’ll be allowed to hang out! It’s so crazy, I don’t know why it seemed like an impossible dream to get this going, all it really took was my therapist asking, “What would happen if you visited BBBS for more information?” I didn’t have an answer so as soon as I had the time, I went down. I’m really happy and I hope you are too. Take care of yourself, challenge yourself and reach out for help when you feel you need to. Thank you.

Catching Waves

My prickly pear, tomorrow I’ll share the “branch” that fell off

Today is another one of those Tuesday is for therapy days. I actually have a pretty busy day by my standards. In two hours is my individual therapy, afterwards I’m planning on doing my food shopping. Then I’ve got a pretty big chunk of time before group therapy. I didn’t go to group therapy last week partly because we had a cold front and I didn’t want to leave the house, but also because I had a dip in my depression and didn’t want to leave the house. Towards the end of the day I’ll have my BBBS meeting. This morning I felt a little low, but I don’t think it’s an energy low, I think it’s some sort of allergy thing. I felt similar yesterday morning, both days I took a shot of this nasal steroid for allergies and it helped a lot yesterday. I’m hoping it will be better in a bit, but I’m planning on taking things easier today anyway.

I was astonished with how much unscheduled drawing I was able to do yesterday. I would see an opportunity to draw, like if I was only listening to something. Before I know it what I’m listening to will finish and I’m sill drawing. I’d put the paper and pencil down because I have to be conscious not to burn out, a little while later I’d be right back at it. My goal was just to draw at one point during the rest of my day and I exceeded my expectations. The real tough part is that I have to do that for the rest of my life. It sounds harder than it is because I’ll want to do it, but also as time goes on it will become more natural. It’s like if when I was 12, someone said, “You have to carry around this ½ pound computer everywhere you go and make sure not to crack it.” I’d feel so burdened by it, but billions of people are getting on just fine with their smart phones. As it brings you more joy, you want it to be around more.