Infatuate the Sound

It’s coming up on 11 am Sunday morning. This has been a nice Sunday, I haven’t been so happy in a long time. Last night my wife and I hung out with another couple. The girl knows my wife from college and her husband has a B.A. in philosophy. Yesterday he said he’s read Dune four times, so you can guess my opinion on him. What makes me happy looking forward that relates to last night was talking about becoming a professional artist with new people. I didn’t call myself an artist, but said something like I decided recently to pursue becoming a professional painter. Talking about my life with some sort of certainty is what feels good. I’m terrified that this will lead to me being bored with art in three months and I don’t pick it up for years, but I can’t live my life based on those sort of fears. 

If I want something, I have to be willing to commit myself to it. That’s not to say I’m forgetting that work has to be done. More important than any other aspect of life as an artist, I need to be creating. For right now the best thing I can do is draw, but if not doing that, hopefully something artistic. Draw everyday. What I’ve at least been able to commit to for the last couple days is the first thing I do when I wake up, sometimes even before peeing is draw. The last thing I do before I close my eyes is draw. Actually last night I just reached over for my pad and starting drawing, around 9:30pm I finished what I wanted to and I like to go to sleep at 10 but promised myself the last thing I do before closing my eyes would be draw, so I had to go to sleep a little early. The point is I’m working on drawing as much as I can. I have no therapy or woodworking this week, so I’m hoping this week will be very rewards to my inner professional.

Weather Report

Good morning pages, I’m hanging out in my studio working on origami. I made a paper crane to give to my little when we meet and when I was talking to a friend he mentioned a truth I was trying to avoid. That I need to have the technique memorized in case he wants me to show him how to make one. On top of that, you have to know at least 3 things to make because a kid is going to say, “Make something else.” I told him that’s the same reason I had to learn a bunch of Eminem raps because once I learned one, I had to be ready for people to say, “Do another.” 

My wife walked in the room and I talked with her a bit, so I’ve lost that train of thought. Not much else to talk about honestly, it’s the weekend and I have to be treating the weekend as a time of nothing but rest because otherwise I will crash during the week. My goal is to be able to do focused work 5 days a week. I know it sounds weird and may be hard to understand but I want to be like a normal working person. I’ve actually got to do a bunch of things to start transitioning painting as a hobby to a profession. I don’t want to talk about that too much here because it’s just listing things I need to do. It’s exciting but there’s no rush on any of that so I need to stay relaxing since it’s the weekend and save work for the work time.

It’s raining here this morning. I love the rain, when I was a kid I used to get bundled up and put a chair on the front lawn so I could sit and watch the rain. Now I have my green house and if it’s till raining, I’m going to go hang out there. I hope you’re all doing well. Keep your chin up because all clouds must past and we’re all in this world together.

Twist Ending

Look I’m tired and don’t feel like writing this, but if I don’t do it now then I might not do it at all today. It’s about 4 pm and I just got back from woodworking class. A lot could be going on in my world, but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how things turn out. I don’t mind any change ups, my one friend just suggest moving to new york city, I never really considered it because I was so happy to leave the North, but I don’t know, I could see a lot of positives to it. It would certainly make being a professional painter easier. For a strange reason I don’t feel like thinking about my life. Nothing wrong just you know it’s what I do 24/7. I’ll think about Jacob, a fictional person. 

Jacob got fired from his job at the factory last month. He was a tester for Chinese finger traps. He kept getting caught in them as they came down he conveyor belt constantly causing an I Love Lucy scenario. Now that his fingers and days are free he drives down to the lake and drinks until he passes out. Three times this week he’s been woken up by the cops at dusk when they have to kick him out. He’ll probably get his life together, I’m sure there’s plenty of opportunities in the world for a man that is willing to stick his fingers in traps. Maybe his next job will have insurance so he can get the carpal tunnel checked out that developed from years of having his fingers squeezed on. If you want to make big money in this world you have to be willing to take on big risk, but maybe Jacob isn’t cut out for the corporate world.

As the World Turns

Squeaking in at the end of the day, I don’t know where to begin, I just have so many thoughts. I’m thinking about pursuing a career as a painter. Really not much would change about my life, but a ton would change about how I see myself. In that BBBS interview it seemed like the woman was under the impression that I was a painter. Maybe not that I am a painter, but that I would call myself a painter. I don’t know why that’s such a big deal for me. I have business cards that say “Woodworker” on them, why is it so hard to make “Painter” ones?

My wife and I started watching this show called “His Dark Materials”. It’s based on the book trilogy that is called the golden compass. In it the people have demons which are basically them being followed around by their spirit animal. A person’s demon doesn’t take a permanent shape until later in life. That is why this painter thing is such a big deal to me, it’s what I want to do, it’s what I want to be called. I know it means a lot of work still, I’d like to try to do the work, I just need someone to help me stay on the right track. 

This also relates to Jordan Peterson talking about Peter Pan. It was definitely on my mind last weekend hanging out with the guys last weekend that Peter Pan is in charge of the lost boys. Also that Peter is afraid to grow up. There are things you lose when you grow up, but things you can’t have as a child. He never gets to know true love for example. Then there’s also that I am supposed to be the “good influence” on a kid soon. There are certain things in life I want to make sure I’m doing if I were to call myself a good influence.  I think I’m ready for this stuff, I want the challenges I think they bring, I guess I’m just scared because it puts my fate in the world’s hands instead of mine.

Mid-day Dawn

This fella fell of when the wind knocked the big one over

Good morning pages, my drawing practice is coming along really well. Of course when what I’m making is pleasing to the eye that makes me feel good but beyond that it’s becoming easier to draw for longer periods of time, that fills me with confidence and motivation for the future. I have been at a point similar to this in the past and burned out. I was doing four hours of drawing a day and trying to get to eight; probably too quickly. It’s a story I’ve lived time and time again. A lesson I learned by growing trees from seed is that growth takes a lot longer than you think. I’m learning to enjoy the journey though.

In other news, yesterday was a bigger day for me than I was thinking about. I guess I knew I’d have to buckle down and focus for it, so I had my two therapy appointments and then the at-home interview for Big Brother Big Sister(BBBS). We finished our module in group therapy, so I won’t have that again until at least mid January. I also won’t have individual therapy until after Christmas. My therapist said my smile seemed easier, I agree and it felt nice to hear. I’ve also been ecstatic at how my BBBS interview went. She asked the types of questions like what my life was like growing up, who were some mentors to me, why do I want to work with kids and it was genuinely a lot of fun talking about working as a big brother. Next step should be that she will call me with a little that she’s matched me with or possibly a couple and I’ll choose one. After that I get to meet them and we’ll be allowed to hang out! It’s so crazy, I don’t know why it seemed like an impossible dream to get this going, all it really took was my therapist asking, “What would happen if you visited BBBS for more information?” I didn’t have an answer so as soon as I had the time, I went down. I’m really happy and I hope you are too. Take care of yourself, challenge yourself and reach out for help when you feel you need to. Thank you.

Catching Waves

My prickly pear, tomorrow I’ll share the “branch” that fell off

Today is another one of those Tuesday is for therapy days. I actually have a pretty busy day by my standards. In two hours is my individual therapy, afterwards I’m planning on doing my food shopping. Then I’ve got a pretty big chunk of time before group therapy. I didn’t go to group therapy last week partly because we had a cold front and I didn’t want to leave the house, but also because I had a dip in my depression and didn’t want to leave the house. Towards the end of the day I’ll have my BBBS meeting. This morning I felt a little low, but I don’t think it’s an energy low, I think it’s some sort of allergy thing. I felt similar yesterday morning, both days I took a shot of this nasal steroid for allergies and it helped a lot yesterday. I’m hoping it will be better in a bit, but I’m planning on taking things easier today anyway.

I was astonished with how much unscheduled drawing I was able to do yesterday. I would see an opportunity to draw, like if I was only listening to something. Before I know it what I’m listening to will finish and I’m sill drawing. I’d put the paper and pencil down because I have to be conscious not to burn out, a little while later I’d be right back at it. My goal was just to draw at one point during the rest of my day and I exceeded my expectations. The real tough part is that I have to do that for the rest of my life. It sounds harder than it is because I’ll want to do it, but also as time goes on it will become more natural. It’s like if when I was 12, someone said, “You have to carry around this ½ pound computer everywhere you go and make sure not to crack it.” I’d feel so burdened by it, but billions of people are getting on just fine with their smart phones. As it brings you more joy, you want it to be around more.

Not Today

My practice from today

It’s that time again for Chris’ brain dump. I’m currently making food to meal prep for my week. I’ve got 360 g of rice boiling next to a minced onion grilling. That’ll be the entree of lunch for the next eight days. I also started cooking pasta for my dinners but I’ll do that once the rice is done because I only have so many big pots and burners. I’m also trying to roast a head of garlic for some added flavor to the pasta. It’s about finding the balance of ease to do and flavor brought. I could eat my pasta with just red sauce, but it’s nothing to get excited about. When I added the onion to my rice I started to get excited about it.

Today is going pretty well, I’m technically already done everything I’m supposed to do today. My wife had to wake up an hour early today, so I wake up early to make her breakfast. Then I went to the gym. Honestly, it feels a bit like cheating how easy it is to go to the gym these days. I guess I’ve adopted the attitude of just do it and that’s what has made it easy. Funny to think all the time we spend mentally preparing or relaxing before we do something is actually energy we’re wasting, just get it done and you’ve saved that energy with the rest of your day open.

Then some how immediately after breakfast I rolled right into drawing practice. I knocked out an hour of drawing which is great and my goal, but I want more and if I have the rest of the day almost entirely free, I should be doing some drawing because why not Chris? You want to be great at that and the only way you’re going to get on the same level as people who do have their pencils moving all day is if you become one of those people. You will become who you are. Your destiny awaits you, how many more days are you going to put it off because you’re afraid. Not today.

Saltwater Salad Dressing

The sharing plant, Pilea. They propagate quickly.

Good morning pages, I’ve put you off for long enough today and I don’t want to forget to do it entirely. Not much going on this weekend, been relaxing with the wife. I just got finished cleaning the house. On Tuesday I have my at-home interview with someone from Big Brother Big Sister. They’re going to see if the house is safe for a kid, get to know me better and what kind of kid I’d like to be paired with. I don’t have any preference, just looking to help. Hopefully I can be a good example and offer encouragement in the directions of life they’d like to travel. You know the old, “It’s dangerous to go alone, take this.” Clean up didn’t take too long and literally most of what we did yesterday was lay around the house to relax, I learned my lesson this week when I had my crash that weekends still need to be taken for recovery. I wish I could work all day everyday, but right now I might be able to get to 9-5 Monday through Friday and that’s a huge accomplishment for me. Getting that can be a stepping stone to working more, but I’ve got to get stable with that load first.

Last night I made a set up so I could have pencil and paper everywhere I go. Something I heard someone say was just to have your hand moving all day, so that is sort of a goal. With that it’s important for me to recognize that doesn’t mean I’m trying draw perfect lines of shapes and intricate shading, but drawing anything even random squiggly lines. It’s step by step; crawl walk run. There are some area where I can run but if everything isn’t brought up to that level, I’ll feel the imbalance and it will show in my art. My dad found my instagram and last night sent me some very nice messages. I’m really happy to have that available to read whenever I want and love him dearly.

I’m Beginning to See the Light

Can you see why this is called an “African mask plant”?

I hope you’re having a beautiful Saturday morning. Some how I’ve developed the habit of waking up early and going to the gym. It’s a fairly new concept to me because I’m used to having to talk myself into it. Now I don’t set an alarm, but at 6 am I’m fully awake and go to the gym because what else am I going to do at 6 am. I’m so surprised at this because I went out last night. I know my definition of going out is much more muted than it was 10 years ago. One of the guys from my wood working class invited me to his place and a couple of the other classmates were there. It was four other guys and and their ages range from 20-23. 

I’m 31 and am very self conscious of my age hanging around them. Part of me thinks I don’t want to hang out too much with people that much younger than me, but I do want to get to know my classmates better and feel a bit of an obligation hopefully be a good example for how to hold themselves as adults. Then on one hand I think, “Who are you to be offering advice to people, you think you’re better than them?” No, but I do think I made mistakes because I acted like a young boy and there are certain mistakes that it would be better for them to avoid if they can. I don’t want to tell anybody what they should do, but I want people to know of possible pit falls that I’ve encounter, how I landed in them, what I did to get out and what I learned from the experience. We’re all learning from new experiences everyday, even if that experience is that you’re another day older. If people talked about those things more freely and without letting their ego restrict what they hear or say, we would all be better for it.

Lose Weight at a Moderate Pace with these not so Simple Tricks

Quick selfie so you know what I’m working with

I woke up this morning and got right out of bed, now that leaves me with a little extra time that I’m not used to. I have to kill about 15 minutes because I don’t want to eat my breakfast yet. I’m sure it wouldn’t matter much, but it’s a psychological thing with me at least that if I eat earlier than I’m “supposed to” that I will run out of fuel earlier in the day. Then I’d most likely have to eat more than my diet plans. I should discuss my diet plans. You might already know my goal is to lose 10 lbs. I’m about 50 lbs down from my heaviest. 

Fitness is always something I’ve been into since I was a kid, from my first weight loss plan around 16 years old. Everyone in my family is heavy set and obviously at that age you’re thinking about your looks a lot. Every year I was getting heavier and it was as if I had no control over it. Then I started to learn and take control. It all started with high school biology. My teacher was explaining the different energy storage systems your body has, that if the immediate storage was depleted the body would have to burn fat for energy. I devised a plan where everyday at 7 pm I’d throw on some DVDs of the show Futurama and ride an exercise bike. For the first 4 minutes I would go all out, then comfortably ride until 10 minutes, then at every 10 minute interval I would go all out for 2 minutes(this was to keep that immediate storage empty because the body will replenish it. I still didn’t know anything about diet, but it worked, people started to notice my weight loss and my family looks at me as, “he’s always been skinny”. In the fitness industry, what I was doing later became known as High Intensity Interval Training, or HIIT.

To move ahead in the story a bit, I joined the Army and was physically active there. Then got a B.S. in Kinesiology(exercise science) and got my ACSM personal trainer certification. I say around 27 years old my metabolism slowed down significantly and that’s when I got to my heaviest weight of 235 lbs. I probably lost about 30 lbs of that with diet alone, it’s a much more powerful tool at weight loss than exercise. I used to have an excel spread sheet with different food items to track calories. Then I was at a 1,000 calories daily deficit which if followed means 2 lbs of weight loss a week. 

I’m currently on a 500 daily deficit because it’s easier and you shouldn’t lose more than 1% of your body weight a week, since I’m under 200 lbs, I lose less than 2 lbs. I now use an app called Lose It(not sponsored) that my wife introduced me to, it makes tracking calories incredibly easy compared to what I was doing. Like nearly everyone, I’ve always wanted visible abs probably because the TV told me I should look that way. I’m hoping to get down to 175 in the next 17 weeks because my wife and I have a vacation to Cancun planned and it would be a good finish line. If you want to take any of this as advice to help you in your goals, please do and if you have any fitness related questions feel free to reach out.