Good morning, look I’m sorry I snapped at you yesterday, I was grumpy and tired. I appreciate you being here, but you have to understand that writing this is work and people are not inclined to work for a metaphysical goal like metal health. It’s the same reason I struggle to do my daily mindfulness activities, and I really should be meditating everyday. Maybe I’ll ensure I do once day a week and work up from there. Today is Sunday which means lots of getting ready for tomorrow. I’ve got to go food shopping and do some cooking to add protein to my meal prep. It’s not a terrible amount of work but it’s still technically the holiday weekend, so my lazy side will need to have it’s arm twisted. I could go to the store right now and it’d be empty which is good, but I don’t know if my wife has anything she needs from the store. Oh well I think what I’ll do is finish this, then cook breakfast and go food shopping. I’m watching a documentary about Edward Berneys. If you don’t know who he is, you should because unless you’re a psychologist he’s the reason you know the name Freud. He transformed America from buying products that they needed and served a purpose to buying what they wanted because of how it made them feel. Just going into the food store I’m going to be hit with millions of stimuli that have his fingerprint on it, especially now that we’re in the Christmas season. It’s whatever though, I’ve had my material goods appetite under control for a long time now. I get discourage at helping human beings when I see how far some of them are from taking control of their lives and those people are the overwhelming majority. What can I do when every corporation uses every media outlet to control the public? I don’t fight to make a difference though, only because I know it is the right thing to do.
Whats in a Line?
Alright I missed yesterday, get off my back I’m here now aren’t I? You know what I might decide to skip tomorrow if you’ve really got a problem, maybe I’ll skip all of December as a reward for doing so good all year. Nah I will try not to do that because if I did I’d probably never write a morning page again and I know they’re good for my mental health. Thanksgiving has been good, yesterday we went out for brunch and I think I had a ton of champagne. The server said they put about a bottle and a half in each carafe of mimosa. I choose to not believe her and ordered a second. I was hung over all day. It’s nice to treat the holidays as a holiday and enjoy myself. Hopefully it makes getting down to work during the week easier because I get the laziness out of my system, in reality it probably just makes it harder because I get comfy and work is that much further from what I’m currently doing. Anyway I’m currently looking at AirBnB’s I think I’m going to go on a little weekend trip before the end of the year to seclude myself and only have drawing available, sort of give a kick in the pants with the focus I’m asking of myself. I know things are going well. I’m drawing more and I’m getting better, there’s just that voice that wants instant gratification that has to be controlled. If that voice doesn’t get what they want, which is impossible to please by the way, it can get destructive. I guess that’s what makes everyday a battle and also when something is accomplished feel rewarding. I have some tangible goals for drawing, I might need to right down some more and also figure out rewards for when they’re accomplished. I have a list of pre reqs for calling myself an artist that would be nice to finish by July 1st 2020, I’ll have to have a big reward for that.
Gobble Goes the Turkey
Good morning pages and happy Thanksgiving. Look at me writing my pages before 8 am, like I should be doing. Yesterday I had some socializing to do which is pretty typical of the holidays I suppose. A friend of my wife’s from med school and her boyfriend came over to visit. What was a little strange and I didn’t think about before hand was they’re both from New England and were noticing things about being in the south like everyone speaks different. I guess I had just gotten used to hearing it, but it takes me back to when that did stand out. They were cool though, it was fun to hang out with a guy that has some similar interests, he’s a bodybuilder. There was also a similarity in personality, I don’t know what is the best way to sum it up, so I’ll say it’s a desire to be great. I actually said that my ideal little in BBBS would have a desire to be great. I’m not sure if everyone has that. On one hand I think everyone is going to want good things, that’s what makes them good.
Maybe what is good means different things to different people though. One person may want material goods, I know that idea gets bashed on a lot but a desire is a desire and no one is worse than another, so they may want to have nice clothes and a shiny car in order to feel good about themselves. For some people all they want is to raise a family, but the desire I’m walking about is more internal. That you have to do something in order to prove your value, perhaps to the universe. I remember an old Twilight Zone episode with the actor who played Mickey in the Rocky movies. He was just found useless by a jury and he’s giving a speech where he shouts at them something like, “I exist, that is my purpose!” That’s basically it, demanding the universe recognize my right to exist.
I Suppose You’re Looking for Me?
I don’t know what you want from me morning pages, I’m tired and I don’t feel like writing this. How much longer can we keep this up. It’s about to be the end of November. I started writing these on the first of January this year, so soon I will have gone a whole year and I’ve probably missed less than 10 days. That will probably make this the most successful commitment I’ve ever made. That feels a little sad to me and I don’t want to go down a sad road because I know when I’m tired that’s where my mind wants to take me, but damn why am I so bad at sticking with things. It makes me think that I should have stayed in the Army because there I could follow through. If I didn’t, there were serious consequences and I know that’s been a factor in my life ever since. In the Army, something as small as your socks no being lined up would be treated like the end of the world. Outside, basically nothing matter. My attitude has been, “What happens if I do this?” Usually nothing happen. That’s why I end up thinking why bother, no matter what I do it’s just going to be another day. I guess that’s life though, I’m gonna keep waking up, somedays will be fun and exciting and for some I’ll just exist. I also feel like I can’t deal with consequences anymore, maybe it’s something I need and being lost without them for years leads me to treat everything as end of the world scenarios, but I guess that’s what I said was good about the Army. I don’t know I’m just going in circles, I need to get somewhere. I don’t know where though, so I can’t make moves. Another good thing about the Army, you’re told when and where to be. Thanks for listening, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh yeah it’ll be Thanksgiving, woo.
Penciling Pencil Lead
Well another day, another donut. It’d be nice to have donuts but c’est la vie. Drawing today is going pretty well. I’m getting some time in. It’s probably good focused time as opposed to what I usually feel is in a class room. I think with classes, there ends up being so many distractions and interruptions. It’s certainly the case with my woodworking. Right now I’m getting work in, but a class would be a big block of 3-5 hours, so since I’m not doing those numbers I feel like I’m failing. I know to go easy on myself, that I need to build up to that point. No reason doing five hours today if I burn out and then don’t draw for the next two weeks. It’s a long game, draw as much as I can whenever I can everyday. It’s coming back everyday, hoping to be a little better than the day before that I’m betting on. I don’t know if I’m right, but what else am I going to do. Maybe someday I’ll attend a school and it’ll transform me, or maybe I’ll realize they waste too much time and go back to doing it on my own. Only thing I can do right now is keep coming back to it, keep trying to get that pencil moving and keep learning. Today I actually brought a pad and pencil to the gym, occasionally when I had time between sets I would try and draw something. To me it’s not so important what I’m drawing, I mean at most I have a minute thirty between sets, so they’re nothing spectacular, but it’s the idea. Always have pencil and pad on me and when I have a chance, try putting something down. I’m trying morning pages, hopefully I’ll see you on the other side someday.
I don’t have to put up with this
Alright morning pages, I don’t know what’s been up lately but I feel like I haven’t wanted to talk to you. Maybe I’m tired and don’t feel like doing it, maybe I’m putting too much on myself and I’m beginning to fall towards depression. Whatever it is, I’m still here for another day. Today was such a weird day. It was one of those days when it feels like the world is conspiring against you. First thing, I went to the drawing table while the dog was outside doing his business, then when I hear him I get up and bang my knee into the table. A little later I’m grabbing my stuff and heading out to the gym when I bang my elbow into a door frame. Then I’ve got to scrap the ice off my car window, I get just enough scraped to see out the driver side and the ice scrapper snaps in half. Don’t worry I sat in the car and waited for it to fully defrost instead of driving with half of one window. I knew by then that I had no luck to push. Even driving to the gym I was stopped at lights that are never red, one of the roads was blocked and I had to take a detour. Then at the gym today was supposed to be chest day. I usually don’t do chest day on a Monday and never will again. The bench press is one of the most popular exercises for people without a lot of exercises in their tool box and Monday is the day when everyone who decided to change their lives for the better over the weekend starts going.
Anyway very frustrating morning and some other annoying things happen. I just had this weirdness in the back of my neck all day. Not an ache but a nagging. To give you some news I’ll probably be leaving my current gym at the YMCA for either Gold’s or a 24/7 place, I still have to compare prices.
Infatuate the Sound
It’s coming up on 11 am Sunday morning. This has been a nice Sunday, I haven’t been so happy in a long time. Last night my wife and I hung out with another couple. The girl knows my wife from college and her husband has a B.A. in philosophy. Yesterday he said he’s read Dune four times, so you can guess my opinion on him. What makes me happy looking forward that relates to last night was talking about becoming a professional artist with new people. I didn’t call myself an artist, but said something like I decided recently to pursue becoming a professional painter. Talking about my life with some sort of certainty is what feels good. I’m terrified that this will lead to me being bored with art in three months and I don’t pick it up for years, but I can’t live my life based on those sort of fears.
If I want something, I have to be willing to commit myself to it. That’s not to say I’m forgetting that work has to be done. More important than any other aspect of life as an artist, I need to be creating. For right now the best thing I can do is draw, but if not doing that, hopefully something artistic. Draw everyday. What I’ve at least been able to commit to for the last couple days is the first thing I do when I wake up, sometimes even before peeing is draw. The last thing I do before I close my eyes is draw. Actually last night I just reached over for my pad and starting drawing, around 9:30pm I finished what I wanted to and I like to go to sleep at 10 but promised myself the last thing I do before closing my eyes would be draw, so I had to go to sleep a little early. The point is I’m working on drawing as much as I can. I have no therapy or woodworking this week, so I’m hoping this week will be very rewards to my inner professional.
Weather Report
Good morning pages, I’m hanging out in my studio working on origami. I made a paper crane to give to my little when we meet and when I was talking to a friend he mentioned a truth I was trying to avoid. That I need to have the technique memorized in case he wants me to show him how to make one. On top of that, you have to know at least 3 things to make because a kid is going to say, “Make something else.” I told him that’s the same reason I had to learn a bunch of Eminem raps because once I learned one, I had to be ready for people to say, “Do another.”
My wife walked in the room and I talked with her a bit, so I’ve lost that train of thought. Not much else to talk about honestly, it’s the weekend and I have to be treating the weekend as a time of nothing but rest because otherwise I will crash during the week. My goal is to be able to do focused work 5 days a week. I know it sounds weird and may be hard to understand but I want to be like a normal working person. I’ve actually got to do a bunch of things to start transitioning painting as a hobby to a profession. I don’t want to talk about that too much here because it’s just listing things I need to do. It’s exciting but there’s no rush on any of that so I need to stay relaxing since it’s the weekend and save work for the work time.
It’s raining here this morning. I love the rain, when I was a kid I used to get bundled up and put a chair on the front lawn so I could sit and watch the rain. Now I have my green house and if it’s till raining, I’m going to go hang out there. I hope you’re all doing well. Keep your chin up because all clouds must past and we’re all in this world together.
Twist Ending
Look I’m tired and don’t feel like writing this, but if I don’t do it now then I might not do it at all today. It’s about 4 pm and I just got back from woodworking class. A lot could be going on in my world, but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how things turn out. I don’t mind any change ups, my one friend just suggest moving to new york city, I never really considered it because I was so happy to leave the North, but I don’t know, I could see a lot of positives to it. It would certainly make being a professional painter easier. For a strange reason I don’t feel like thinking about my life. Nothing wrong just you know it’s what I do 24/7. I’ll think about Jacob, a fictional person.
Jacob got fired from his job at the factory last month. He was a tester for Chinese finger traps. He kept getting caught in them as they came down he conveyor belt constantly causing an I Love Lucy scenario. Now that his fingers and days are free he drives down to the lake and drinks until he passes out. Three times this week he’s been woken up by the cops at dusk when they have to kick him out. He’ll probably get his life together, I’m sure there’s plenty of opportunities in the world for a man that is willing to stick his fingers in traps. Maybe his next job will have insurance so he can get the carpal tunnel checked out that developed from years of having his fingers squeezed on. If you want to make big money in this world you have to be willing to take on big risk, but maybe Jacob isn’t cut out for the corporate world.
As the World Turns
Squeaking in at the end of the day, I don’t know where to begin, I just have so many thoughts. I’m thinking about pursuing a career as a painter. Really not much would change about my life, but a ton would change about how I see myself. In that BBBS interview it seemed like the woman was under the impression that I was a painter. Maybe not that I am a painter, but that I would call myself a painter. I don’t know why that’s such a big deal for me. I have business cards that say “Woodworker” on them, why is it so hard to make “Painter” ones?
My wife and I started watching this show called “His Dark Materials”. It’s based on the book trilogy that is called the golden compass. In it the people have demons which are basically them being followed around by their spirit animal. A person’s demon doesn’t take a permanent shape until later in life. That is why this painter thing is such a big deal to me, it’s what I want to do, it’s what I want to be called. I know it means a lot of work still, I’d like to try to do the work, I just need someone to help me stay on the right track.
This also relates to Jordan Peterson talking about Peter Pan. It was definitely on my mind last weekend hanging out with the guys last weekend that Peter Pan is in charge of the lost boys. Also that Peter is afraid to grow up. There are things you lose when you grow up, but things you can’t have as a child. He never gets to know true love for example. Then there’s also that I am supposed to be the “good influence” on a kid soon. There are certain things in life I want to make sure I’m doing if I were to call myself a good influence. I think I’m ready for this stuff, I want the challenges I think they bring, I guess I’m just scared because it puts my fate in the world’s hands instead of mine.
Chris' Morning Pages 