Bulldozer a Soldier

Imagine how deadly that path to the right is

I went to the suicide hotline’s chat page just now. This virus thing is suffocating and I feel like there’s nothing I can do. Not nothing I can do about sick people, but nothing I can do with my life. That is why I think this quarantine is more dangerous than people getting sick. When I start feeling like this, step one is I go for a walk. When I get to a certain threshold, walking doesn’t help. Now I’m thinking, what are my other options, I could reach out to some of the people I’m friends with, maybe go to a movie. Oh wait, I can’t go anywhere but my house and it’s frowned upon to be around people. I need to get out of the house because the house is now home to these thoughts and being here will continue to drag me down. Where do I go? Can’t even go to the park because they’ve blocked it off with signs and caution tape. The outside is cancelled. Hope you enjoyed it while it was there. I don’t want to talk to a person on the hotline because I’m just going to cry and hang up, making me feel worse. I might go to the ER to talk to someone, doing that means I hit a certain low. Knowing that I’ve hit that low hurts my overall mental, so I’ll try to fight it off. That’s why I’m writing this, hopefully getting these thoughts out will help because I’m having these arguments in my head with pro quarantine people who aren’t considering the damage they’re doing to me. Then I’m stuck in a loop that depresses and angers me. I joined the Army out of a mentality that you help the person who is more likely to survive and my whole world is acting like it’s better keep a snowflake from melting than a town from freezing to death. These are just my thoughts, no one else has to think them and I don’t care what anyone has to say about them.

Slip Slop? This is Hip Hop

Sage herb

I want to write this everyday, it’s difficult is all. I almost feel like I don’t want to reflect on my day because 1. I feel like I didn’t do anything and 2. These aren’t super happy days that we want to look at. I’m having a good time with my wife and yesterday we spent some more time together. Everything is weird right now, so there’s no comfortable way to do anything. The plants are continuing to grow, I’m continuing to figure out what it would take to run a farm and that’s basically life for me. We planted some Zinnia and Sunflower seeds in the front garden and yesterday was the first day we started to see them bud. It’ll be a lot of fun watching those seeds grow, like today they’ll probably have another growth spurt because it rained last night. While the seeds are doing lots of exciting things, hopefully the other plants in the garden will be spreading their roots. The thinking is to have a variety of plants with different timelines so everyday is something interesting. By the time the seeds reach their adulthood, the other plants will have something exciting going on. After that, it’ll be close to fall and I’ll be rushing to keep what I can alive during the Winter. Thank goodness we’re safely in Spring now, the sun is already pretty intense and I don’t see it lightening up as the year goes on. The Earth is such a strange place. I can spend all my time thinking, learn a lot and still have a lifetime of learning ahead of me. Right now I’m trying to figure out how to safely compost human waste. I think for the most part, the compost needs plenty of time to break down, but the worry is that diseases are killed by keeping the compost at a high temp for long enough. Composting done right has no problem generating heat.

Straight out the gate and turn right

Pilea growing something new

Sorry I didn’t write yesterday. I’ve been tired lately. Allergies are popping now and then there’s this crazy world. I was supposed to visit my Army friends this weekend, but I’m not going to. The way things are constantly changing, I don’t want to get stuck somewhere else and not able to come home. Today I’m trying to rest and recover. My brain doesn’t stop working because the body does. It would be nice if this brain energy would turn to reading, but when I’m not doing my cycles my body wants to shut down. Most people are in a similar shut down modes now, I think of it as new things cause us to stop and observe. I want to make changes to my life, but then when I think about what I should do, I realize things are already how I would like them. Maybe it is just about rest. I’m watching my weight more lately as is the rest of the country I’m sure. Keeping my self from gaining weight is probably number one on my mind. Not eating means I’m more likely to get some rest in because I’ll have no energy. Part of why I didn’t write yesterday and I feel like I shouldn’t be writing now is because I don’t know. What don’t I know? I don’t know, that’s a sign to me that I’m tired. Seconds before passing out, I’m looking around for something to grab on to. I’ll rest now, but I have this fear that if I rest an hour today then it’ll be two hours tomorrow. It doesn’t have to be that way and it probably won’t, I’m probably not even afraid of that and I only tell myself that to keep myself from resting. I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

Mary is in the other room preparing dinner. We’re having chicken, I’m very excited for it because it’s a whole chicken. When You have a whole chicken, the meat is so much juicier. I’ve been thinking a lot about growing and eating my own animals. I think I’m warming up to the idea and if I had to keep animals around for like three months, I’ll probably be happy to take a break from caring for them. I’d have to start small, probably only one.

I’ve now eaten dinner, it was delicious and we even sat on the front porch for a little bit afterwards. What I’m really enjoying about the quarantine is getting to enjoy our house. We put time into making it look nice, but I think everyone gets caught up in a cycle where things must continue to improve and the American way is that the amount of improvement must improve. That’s why we have to have recessions. We’re creating something out of nothing and eventually the system has to catch up and cool down. The big question everyone always wonders when it stops is will it start up again. “The party is over” is a phrase I heard a lot when this all started. The idea people are afraid of is if we as a society have peaked and things will never be as good as they were again. This is a common fear of the world because people fear it in their individual lives. I don’t believe it happens though. The person who “peaked” at a young age still has a great life. When a person isn’t in the top percentage of competitors, that doesn’t mean they aren’t living. There may be new conditions for our life going forward, but we were born into certain conditions we didn’t get to choose already.

Updating

I wrote a letter to my friend Qewbert today, I remarked on the date then and I’m remarking on it now. It’s a nice date, everyday can be a fun day when you enjoy numbers. Mary asked me to paint with her tomorrow. This can be terrifying. I actually thought that I should teach her to paint because I think the part of painting that I struggle at, she would already be better than me at. That’s why I should have a sledge hammer. I was day dreaming earlier about how I would teach a cow to pull a plow. I don’t think it would be too hard, but I think renting a tiller would be smart. Then I figured I’m just going to buy a tiller, I know I’m going to keep coming back to it. It’s like with buying bags of dirt, there’s no such thing as too much. I have to get mulch soon, but I really need to move the spare car we have in our driveway. That car is a such a weird character in our lives. Definitely our red headed step child. If we could just right click that car and delete it, we would be happy. That’s honestly how I felt clearing out the front gardens, like I was dragging a box. I have a similar feeling when it comes to imagining buildings. I’m happy to be alive and the future is looking like a lot of fun. Maybe the world will have some sort of Spring Break that lasts months. What is the world going through? There’s no telling what the effects will be and how long they last. The thing with convincing people to be afraid of everything is then it’s hard to calm them down. Maybe you never want them to calm down, but that’s not stable. Everyone is after their stability.

Americans are Tea Tossing Tiger Trainers

Now I make pretty things. Swiss cheese monstera

I can’t stay long today, I’ve got to start this movie. I’m going to watch SLC Punk, I was thinking it is one of the most influential movies of my life. It’s like my guilty pleasure, because at my core I’m a punk. There was one time a bouncer tried to throw me out for what I felt was the wrong reasons. In his defense I had just dropped my beer and it made a mess with broken glass. The wrongful accusation I say was he told me he warned me. He did no such thing, I suppose it’s possible that he warned me and I was too drunk to remember. Anyway, I got kicked out of the bar and I’m like, “I’m not going anywhere, you did not warn me!” The manager or w/e comes out to try and get rid of me, somewhere in the arguments someone says the word “punk”. It clicks with me, I was being a punk for the fun of it. I apologized to everyone and headed home as quick as I could. I like arguing, and I like picking fights. I’ve often said the only time you’re reminded that you’re alive is when you almost die. In some sense I live near that line so I live as much as possible. When I was drinking heavy, I was a mess. I was the cannon ball and the booze were the gun powder. All these stories are running through my head but each requires so much detail to tell correctly. I don’t want to look bad, so I’ll just type the sentences as they come into my brain. Breaking into the basement of a bar, having a bouncer chase me down and I found a second door that led back to the bar so not only did I escape but stayed in the bar. Waking up on a hospital gurney in a hospital because cops made my friends call an ambulance saying I was too drunk. I had to work at 6 am the next morning, so I woke up in the hospital and started pulling stuff out and working my way towards the door. First time I slept on a bathroom floor was during a college pride (drinking) day. I’m actually surprised I never got stitches from any of that stuff, but not like I would have gotten them done if I needed them.

Passing Sassy Sally while wild Willy puts pudding somewhere

Me and pup gardening

Hey Mary, sorry I didn’t write you last night, my wife gave me the idea of not writing and calling it an April Fools thing. I didn’t really feel like doing this yesterday, so I took it. I’m back now though because I don’t want to drop the ball. Crazy to think that if I’m lucky I’ll write here everyday for the rest of my life. I’ve already kept this up for over a year and that is more dedication than 99% of the other stuff I attempt. It’s hard to know what you will enjoy doing until you jump in. I talked to my friend Joshua about moon landing conspiracies recently. The context was along the lines of conspiracies in general because I was talking about Mike Tyson and a different friend, Brad, he said Tyson only became the champ because he had connections to the ruling class; Tyson chicken anyone? I’m sure I’m over simplifying Brad’s argument and I don’t disagree with him. The point is I said I’d rather live in a world where Tyson’s rags to riches, fighting his way to he top, story is true. I will often argue humans have never landed on the moon, whether or not I believe that, I don’t care, what I do is point out how little evidence it takes to convince a person that something happened. Joshua said he prefers to live in a world where the moon landing did happen because it represents the coming together of different people to solve a global problem and that inspires him. I had never thought of the moon landing as inspiring. Probably the root of my dismissal is that I don’t find value in it. I do find value in a guy being a good fighter though where Brad had never considered that. These opinions and thoughts are what make us individuals, and if we stopped talking to everyone who didn’t see eye to eye with us on every topic, then we might as well start pouring gasoline all over Main St.

I snap my fingers

Tomorrow is April 1st, maybe I’ll think of some sort of prank, but I think there will be very bad news coming out tomorrow because a lot of people are not going to pay bills. I suppose nothing will happen of it tomorrow because it will be the end of the first and beginning of the second that companies will have anticipated that money and wont have what’s always been there. I’ve been a doomsday sayer in the past and now I try to be optimistic that everything always works out. I do think everything will work out, but if everyone who has a service job in NYC, NOLA, and Vegas don’t pay their bills, it will cause a strain on the country that translates to a lot of deaths. They’re not big news deaths because they’re the bottom of the food chain that goes first; the people who are already hanging on by a strand. Sorry that’s so sad, I just want to have it written down because if I’m right and for the right reasons, it’s nothing showy. Media instead puts on a show in one hand to distract from the other.

Alright enough of that trash. Maybe in a couple days I’ll talk to a realtor because after this crunch, people looking to sell land will become a little more desperate. Maybe they’ll take a price cut because they need the money. Before I do that though I need to figure out how to get a soil testing kit because when I go with a realtor, I’m going to want to take samples. I actually drove out to the property in the morning and then in the afternoon I prepared the flower beds that we’re gonna have in the front. I’m very tired and my back is sore. The best part is the feeling like you earned a chance to relax.

Good times are coming

Today, I bought 10 bags of top soil and stacked them on the side of my porch. My wife and I have been planning on a little gardening project in the front yard and today she got some good news, so I’m more hopeful that the project will be a lot of fun. I mean I already had fun today getting the bags of dirt. I don’t know if we’ll need this much dirt, but I have frequently run out of landscaping material half way through projects. I know I’ll use up any dirt eventually and it’s dirt cheap. HA! The farm humor is gonna be off the chain. I watched a video of a guy who did some logging humor and I’m so going to steal his joke some day. I’ll be the coolest guy in the sawmill. I thought about how I would go about building a second story building today. I need to read this house building book, it will probably teach me literally everything. There’s more a matter of in my head preparing vs. getting out and doing. I’ve got myself under some control, but everyday is a mystery for now. I’m going to revisit the site and look for a For Sale sign tomorrow. Then maybe April 2nd I’ll contact a realtor to view it. There are actually 3 listings on the same lot. I’ve been looking at the cheapest which is still six acres, but the listing shows a pond and a barn. I gotta know what’s available. I also thought today about getting pre-approved for the loan and then when I find the lot I want, I say, “I’ll take it.” The price I’m willing to pay in order to not talk to people is embarrassing, but if I take up a mortgage for a couple acres of grass and am allowed to do what I want. I think I’m getting the deal of a life time.

Fiery Fever for few and far between

I’ve spread out my Irish moss to grow more

I got dressed up to write this today, not that it matters to the reader. Contrary to what most people’s believe, bloggers don’t wear full suit and tie to work. I wouldn’t classify myself as a blogger though. I’m often opposed to anyone giving me a label. What would my political stance be labeled as? When I first told my friends my opinion was changing on religion, one of them asked if it was a bit. I told him “I don’t know what I believe, so everything is a bit.” Labels are too static for my ever shifting perspective. All that said, I do like the label “farmer”. I think it’s because they’re in some sense the bottom of the social pyramid. In this example, the top would be the wealthiest 1% who are the furthest from growing and cooking their own food. Even disconnected from living their lives. My life consists of doing the tasks that if I was a billionaire I would pay someone else to do, so if I did pay people to do everything for me then I don’t know what I would have left to call “My life”. That’s what being a farmer is, every bit of your life is making your life, no bells and whistles between point A and B. I made cinnamon rolls this morning and brownies last night, I had macaroons on deck when I realized we have a mountain of sweets. I don’t know how to cook many savory meals, so I’m making it my mission to buy chunks of meat with one intended recipe to cook them, that way I will have a foundation to cook hardy meals. The hardiness is long lasting energy and that’s what I need. I’m over here thinking that I can eat a can of chicken everyday for lunch. You heard me right, I said a CAN OF CHICKEN.